Those annoying sentiments

One of the many drawbacks of working in a big office is that you are frequently asked to sign group greeting cards.

A group greeting card is what you get when you retire, give birth, get sick, get married, have a birthday or move on to another job. Everybody who signs the card -- which is typically the size of a placemat -- is obligated to pen some sort of sappy, wry or pithy remark that is not only tailored to the individual receiving the card, but is also different from all the sappy, wry or pithy remarks that are on the card already.

As you can imagine, coming up with an original variation of "Happy Birthday!" or "Congratulations!" after the card has been signed by 50 co-workers can be quite a challenge.

The problem is compounded by the fact that, in large offices, there are an average of five or six group greeting cards in circulation on any given day.

And yet the efficiency experts can't figure out why workers aren't as productive as they should be. When you take into account the fact that the average office worker spends two hours a day shuffling to and from useless meetings, one hour making personal phone calls, two hours downloading dirty pictures from the Internet and three hours trying to come up with a sappy, wry or pithy alternative to "Best of luck in your new location," it's a wonder any work gets done at all.

The secret to success with group-greeting-card signing is to get hold of the card before all the obvious lines are used up.

Let's say you have been asked to sign a card for someone who is recovering from major surgery.

If you are lucky enough to get the card first, you definitely want to go with the tried-and-true "Get well soon!" or its equally functional cousin, "Get better soon!"

This nicely sums up all that really needs to be said to someone recovering from surgery, without getting too personal.

No matter how many people have signed the card ahead of you, you want to avoid such greetings as, "Hope your liposuction was a success! Can't wait to see the videotape!" or "Glad to hear your problems are `behind you.' We've got your custom-made doughnut pillow waiting for you!"

Another group card that can cause problems is the one given to the employee who is moving on to a new job. Personalized sentiments are especially difficult to write if you don't know the person who is leaving, which, in today's high-turnover corporate environment, is often the case.

"Best of luck, whoever you are, wherever you're going!" is certainly safe, if a trifle cold.

"Enjoyed the time we spent together!" while technically a lie, is vague enough that you'd probably never get caught. Besides, you did (presumably) occupy the same building during certain periods, so that could qualify as "time spent together."

It is probably best not to glorify the few chance encounters you had with the person, unless you can think of nothing else to say. ("I sure will miss that quality time we spent together at the dollar bill changer!")

You need to be especially cautious if your supervisor is moving on to another job. The going-away card is not -- repeat, is not -- the place to express all your pent-up anger and frustration, though I admit the temptation can be hard to resist.

"You were a great boss! I'll miss you! Best of luck!" is acceptable.

"You were the worst boss I've ever worked for! How you ever got into management is beyond me! I pity whoever works for you next! I hope, in the future, you are miserable and in great pain! Best of luck!" is unacceptable.

David Grimes is a columnist for The Herald Tribune in Sarasota, Fla. His column is distributed by The N.Y. Times News Service.

Copyright 1996
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