For Olympic visitors, a lesson in how to speak Atlantan

One of the best reasons for not attending the Olympics is that they are being held in Atlanta in July.

The only place hotter than Atlanta in July is Sarasota in June, August or September, though some would say the difference is so small as to be inconsequential.

Atlanta will host hundreds of thousands of foreign visitors this summer, many of whom may wish to comment on the unique weather, not to mention the hospitality, of this proud Southern capital.

To assist those visitors who may not be totally fluent in English, I have prepared this handy phrase guide to help them better communicate with their "Hotlanta" hosts:

"It is very warm today."

"Is it always this hot?"

"Would you mind not standing so close?"

"When was the last time you bathed?"

"What do you use for deodorant? Dead fish?"

"I think I am going to be sick."

"Yes, I would like a small Coke with ice."

"How much?"

"You've got to be kidding."

"In my country, we cut the hands off of thieves like you."

"Give me some water, then, you pig."

"You have interesting features. For a jackal."

"If my dog had a face like yours, I would make him walk backwards."

"No, I have never been to Atlanta before."

"But I can see now why Sherman burned the place."

"Perhaps you can explain to me why this city was chosen to host the Summer Olympics."

"Was hell already booked?"

"I've never been so hot in my life."

"Do you charge for shade here, too?"

"My shoes are melting."

"Did you see that?"

"I thought I saw a bird burst into flames in mid-air."

"I think I'm starting to hallucinate."

"There are pickup trucks dancing before my eyes."

"And grown men named `Bubba.'"

"Please excuse me. I haven't been myself."

"Our flight over was very stressful."

"We had to circle the Atlanta airport for a long time."

"Days."

"Possibly weeks."

"It is all a blur."

"We were separated from our children on the tram."

"On the way to concourse D."

"Or was it B?"

"I hope they are well."

"We shall miss them."

"Could I sit on this bench for a minute?"

"No, I don't have a ticket."

"Do they have any dentists in your country?"

"Perhaps it is time you visited one."

"No, thank you, I have seen tattoos before."

"Though never one there."

"Your mother must be very proud."

"Even though you misspelled her name."

"Could you direct me to my hotel?"

"I'm sorry, but I forget the address."

"It is not a great hotel."

"But we're only paying $500 a night."

"It is the one with the bars on the windows."

"And no running water."

"Last night, someone stole our television."

"While we were watching it."

"I will say one thing for Atlanta, though."

"Your cockroaches are world-class."

David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota (Fla.) Herald Tribune. His column is distributed by The N.Y. Times News Service.

Copyright 1996
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