Lighten Up, Parents! - psychological aspects of youth sports

ON JULY 5, 2000, in Reading, Mass., Thomas Junta beat Michael Costin to the point that he died two days later from his injuries. Junta has been charged with manslaughter and, if found guilty, could serve up to 20 years in prison.

Why did he attack Costin? Junta apparently thought that the hockey game in which his son and Costin's sons were playing (Costin was supervising the practice) had gotten too rough. The two men had an argument about this, and Junta was asked to leave the rink. He came back, however, and attacked Costin. If only he had stayed away, Costin, the single father of four young children, might be alive today.

Sports psychologists have long been concerned about what has been labeled "Little League parent syndrome" (LLPS), named for those adults who get so wrapped up in their children's play that they yell and scream verbal abuse and, occasionally, get physically abusive. More recently, with the Reading example as exhibit A, things seemingly have gotten more violent. There have always been cases of parents and coaches, referees, or other parents getting into verbal and, sometimes, physical confrontations. Indeed, parents have even had physical contact with players on their offspring's and opposing teams. However, this is the first instance within memory where death has been the result of such an altercation.

How is this possible? What are parents doing intruding on their youngsters' games? These are, alter all, children's games, whether baseball, soccer, hockey, football, swimming, whatever. Adults should be there in a supportive role, helping the kids enjoy the best experience they could possibly have, not creating, as too often happens, a pressure-filled, unhappy situation for all concerned.

It is important to note that LLPS is symptomatic of only a minority of parents (although the percentage seems to be growing each year). This minority is adept, though, at making youth sports an unpleasant experience for all. These parents expect perfection from their children, coaches, and referees. While winning may be at the top of their priority list, playing time for their offspring is critical.

A task-oriented approach is required--can't let fun get in the way of winning! Youth sports is a stressful time with victory the only acceptable result, and even there, playing time and quality play on the part of the youngster is expected.

These parents have forgotten why their kids are participating in the first place. What do children say when you ask them why they play? The number-one reason is to have fun! This is so critical that it cannot be overemphasized. Youth sports is a voluntary activity, and it should be a place where youngsters can be supported in a chance to play. When kids play, they're supposed to have fun.

Children also say they want to improve their skills and get some exercise and/or stay in shape. Kids like to play with their friends and make new friends. Winning is way down on the list, ranking tenth. The source for these reasons is a survey of 10,000 students and their feelings about sports, published by the American Footwear Association.

Sports psychologists and sociologists lament the tremendous decrease in informal play. Many of you remember the days when you would come he me after school and then hurry back outside to be with your friends on your block or at a local park. You had special games, many similar to those of kids in other areas, but with slightly different names and rules, depending on the neighborhood. You had a chance to be active, have a challenging game, have everyone play (from the highly skilled kid to the less-skilled), and decide on the roles and make decisions as the game progressed. You had to learn to negotiate so that everyone got in the game. and all felt a part of the process. If not, the game would disintegrate, and no one could play.

Nowadays, what is called formal play has taken over. Rarely does one see informal play going on any more. (When was the last time you saw kids playing on your street or at your local park or playground, or at least saw many of them doing so?) Because of safety concerns, families where both parents are wage earners, and a drive to get children into organized leagues so they can learn the game faster and be on the road toward fame and fortune, the move, in many cases, has been to organized youth sport leagues. These can still be fun for youngsters, but in many instances are not.

Children often feel pressured to succeed. (Note the telling title of a recent book by Christopher and Barbara Andersonn: Will You Still Love Me If I Don't Win?) Asking your offspring "Did you win today" indicates that winning is important. It really is not important in youth sports!

Trying to win is certainly pan of the experience, and we support this. In informal play, we try to win as well, though, as with formal play, it doesn't or shouldn't matter whether you win or lose. There's always another game tomorrow and another chance to try to win. More important is the chance to be active and have fun with friends.

What should a parent ask? How about "Did you have fun today?"; "Did you have a good time?"; or "What did you learn today?" All these are good alternatives and send the "right" message.

In The Total Sports Experience for Kids: A Parents' Guide to Success in Youth Sports, a 1997 book I co-authored with Aubrey Fine, there is a chapter entitled "Children Speak Out." We asked kids what they liked and didn't like about youth sports and their parents' roles. The youngsters indicated that parents do good things (like being supportive), but they often put too much pressure on their offspring, are critical, and behave in ways that embarrass them. You probably have seen parents act in a matter that is quite embarrassing. How do you think their children feel when they see their parents acting so foolishly?

Unreasonable expectations

Why would parents behave this way? They may feel pressured (although they shouldn't), given that they may be investing considerable time and money in Johnny or Susie's activity. They may have hopes or expectations that their child will one day be an Olympic gold medalist, professional athlete, or, at the very least, earn a scholarship to college. Most parents really don't realize what a minuscule percentage attains such stardom. Even if they are aware of this, they also know that a select few do make it, so why can't that one person be their son or daughter?

Parents may feel their offspring's performance is a reflection on them--if Johnny or Susie plays poorly, I must be seen as a bad parent. Some adults may be living vicariously through their kids' athletic accomplishments. The parents could never achieve the level of excellence they see in their children, and their youngsters' success (read winning) means they can vicariously bask in the glory that has been achieved.

There are many reasons, therefore, why parents may act the way they do. These may help us to understand them, but it is still difficult to grasp why parents would become verbally and, especially, physically abusive. In some cases, role models like former Indiana University basketball coach Bob Knight make it seem all right to be abusive--but it is not all right! Parents would not want to be treated that way, and they have no right to do so to children, coaches, and referees.

Success in youth sports does not necessarily mean winning. Rather, it means having put out 100% effort and done the best you could on a given day. Winning a Little League baseball game or youth soccer game does not really matter; giving all that you can and doing the best you can are what is important. Learning that playing sports means trying your hardest, playing fairly (sportsmanship), and having fun are the messages we should be sending. Parents are guests at youth sports and should be supporters of their children, not adding pressure to kids' already hectic lives of school, sports, music lessons, etc.

What can be done to stem the growth in the number of LLPS adults? In Jupiter, Fla., parents are required to take a sportsmanship course developed by the National Alliance for Youth Sports and sign a code of conduct. This will surely be seen elsewhere as other youth sports associations adopt this strategy. Violate the code of conduct (e.g., be verbally abusive, threaten others, interfere with the game) and you are ejected from the game and prohibited from attending the next one. Should you commit further infractions, your child doesn't play. Refuse to sign, and your child doesn't play.

This general approach is eminently reasonable. Many youth sport groups may simply be able to review with parents what expectations are for appropriate behavior from them, as well as players, coaches, and referees. That will be enough for many groups. Others, especially those with past problems in this area (a surplus of LLPS parents!), may need to move toward signing such a code of conduct or even requiring such a class before signing the code. These steps may be necessary to make it perfectly clear to parents that these are their children's games, and adults are there to support the kids, not create conflict.

It is not hard to find examples in one's neighborhood of the LLPS adult. As has been seen in the papers all too often recently, the level of violence may be escalating. (Some of it is a result of increased media attention. Physical confrontations--especially between parents and referees or coaches--have been going on for decades.)

It is to be hoped that the death of a parent such as Michael Costin is a unique occurrence, never to happen again. To assure this, parents and youth sport supporters must control their behavior as well as that of people with whom they work and play.

Fred Engh, president of the National Alliance for Youth Sports, in his book, Why Johnny Hates Sports, talks about returning youth sports to children. He highlights the importance of helping to "ensure that all children have fun and rewarding experiences. After all, that's what youth sports are all about."

Michael L. Sachs, a sports psychologist, is a professor in the Department of Kinesiology, Temple University, Philadelphia, Pa., and co-author of The Total Sports Experience for Kids: A Parents' Guide to Success in Youth Sports.

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