Childless and happy

I have enjoyed the recent media flood of articles and television pieces "about gay parents because I love seeing new definitions of family, and it's he--arming to see children growing up in challenging yet loving environments. But what is often forgotten is the simple fact that the majority of gay men and lesbians are like me: childless, whether by choice or circumstance.

More of us now have the choice of having children because of changing societal factors and the liberation movements we have worked hard to create. Nonetheless, among gay people there should never be an obligation to have children.

We all know there are countless lesbians and gay men who, because of societal pressure, became spouses and then parents in heterosexual marriages. Such liaisons have often (though not always) resulted in much pain and sorrow. Now societal pressure threatens to come to bear on uncloseted gay men and lesbians, urging them to become parents. Publicity about gay and lesbian celebrity parents, for example, projects these individuals as role models.

There are many good reasons for caring human beings, gay and straight, to refrain from having children. Indeed, the stems of childlessness should be celebrant, not denigrated. On the first Earth Day, April 22, 1970, a leaflet distributed by the New York Gay Liberation Front acclaimed the role of homosexuals in combating overpopulation--still a grave problem that's often ignored, largely due to pressures from the same religious entities that oppress gay men and lesbians.

There is no support in our culture for the childless. Quite the contrary: Several straight friends of mine who have decided not to have children report that their friends and relatives hurl the word "selfish" at them. It's a harsh word that I have heard myself as a childless gay man.

What nonsense! As a taxpayer l contribute to operating the public schools in ray region as well as to all other government functions. I am involved in many community endeavors. My household consumes fewer precious resources than one with children. And I know that my gay and lesbian peers play an inordinately large role in the helping professions: education, health care, and all other social services.

I don't have to spend my hard-earned money on child rearing, and this is nothing to be "ashamed of. The fact that I can direct my resources toward other things that give me pleasure (my home and garden, travel, dinners out, charitable contributions, early retirement, etc.) is something I live with comfortably.

Childless straight people likely have similar feelings, but they have to suffer the indignity of would-be grandparents and others invading a very personal and private aspect of their lives--namely, the question of reproduction. I have long felt a special bond with my cousins and friends who are childless, and I rarely ask straight people about their plans for procreation.

Gay men and lesbians who want children are doing the right thing by adopting them or having them through artificial insemination and other means, but only if they truly understand what's involved in raising children--emotionally, physically, and financially.

Gay men and lesbians are not doing the right thing if they're having children to make their relatives happy or because it's "cool" or "beautiful." They're not doing the right thing if their main goal is to inane a political point. Yes, lesbians and gay men with children may have a positive impact on the straight parents they interact with. Yes, homosexuals can be excellent parents. But gay parents, like straight ones, can easily underestimate how tough it is to be a good parent. Some would-be gay parents may not have the skills to be good parents and, just like straight people, can bring children into the world who are eventually unloved and unwanted. The result is heartbreak for all concerned.

Let's recognize that each of us has the capability to be a good human being in our own right, as an individual, whether single or in a relationship, with children or without.

A retired journalist, author of nine books, and avid gardener, Young has lived in Royalston, Mass., for 31 years.

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