IT'S A DOG'S LIFE FOR JOE

JOE Kinnear has gone halves with Vinnie Jones. Two grand for the greyhound and two-and-a-half quid a day each for its training fees.

None of the fancy prices, you'll notice, that Alex Ferguson pays for thoroughbred nags when he goes racing.

But, there again, the signing of Joe's Vinnie - a two year old winner of four of its ten races - is a Wimbledon deal.

Just the job, in fact, for a guy reckoned to have a dog's life as manager of the second favourites to finish bottom of the Premiership this season.

And of the last club Silvio Berlusconi would dream of inviting into his breakaway European Super League.

"You're joking," says Joe. "We were the first ones they contacted but we told him to push off sharpish.

"There's no way we are leaving the Premiership and you can tell that to the bookies, who are giving a shade above evens for us to go down.

"Who's that bloke who'll give you a bet on almost anything at Ladbrokes, the one with the moustache?

"I'll have him a good few quid we stay up. I've been two points off Europe three times with Wimbledon. We got to two semis the year before last and we can still win a Cup and be up there with the best.

"If we do, I'll be able to remind Berlusconi I once knocked AC Milan out of Europe before he even got his hands on them.

"That was the UEFA Cup which we won with Spurs and we didn't even wait until the final to beat his lot.

"We had a nice little touch with Joe's Vinnie, by the way. It won at Walthamstow the other night and we had fifty quid each on him at 8- 1.

"You should have heard us shouting 'Go on, my son' as he crossed the line."

Kinnear has two dogs, Vinnie and Dance Jacky, and a squad of players he has trained to be just as fast for the Premiership race.

Kinnear adds: "If we don't win that, we might go on to win the Olympics. I've had Daley Thompson, Kriss Akabusi and Derek Redmond down for specialist stuff on athletics. Twice a day for two weeks without a ball in sight. We've worked on flexibility, sprint techniques, hurdling and relay.

"And Daley reckons we might have the best team of decathletes in the country, though I say I've got lads who can play a bit of football too.

"Good enough to have beaten Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Spurs, all on their own grounds, during my time here.

"There's no Premiership team we haven't beaten. Which isn't bad for a club with 3,500 season ticket holders and another 3,000 fans who'll turn up on the day."

Kinnear starts his eighth season as Wimbledon manager next Saturday with a home game against Spurs. That makes him the longest serving Premiership team boss behind Ferguson, whose United have now joined Arsenal in admitting their Super-Euro ambitions.

Kinnear fancies Arsenal - who play United in today's Charity Shield - to retain their Premiership title.

Not that Arsene Wenger's diet sheets and the brain doctor he has hired from the South of France are anything new to Kinnear - even though his versions are more home spun.

He adds: "Our club house is an old transport caff on the A3. They used to serve up sausage, egg, bacon and chips for the lorry drivers.

"It's like a health resort now with fruit, no fatty foods, pasta and jacket potatoes on offer.

"I must admit, though, there's a few of us round here who need our brains looking at from time to time.

"I first saw what you could do with the mind at Spurs. We had this Romark, a geezer who could work wonders with hypnotism.

"He put Mike England, our big centre-half, into a deep trance swinging his watch in front of his eyes.

"Next he placed two chairs about six feet apart and told Mike he was an iron bar and that nothing could bend him.

"He put Mike's head on the back of one chair and his heels on the other. Pat Jennings bounced up and down on him and couldn't budge him an inch.

"It was one of the most amazing things I ever saw."

Kinnear's own attempts to defy gravity with Wimbledon provide an equally remarkable scenario.

Though he says: "Do you know who has pulled the biggest gates in the whole Premiership for the last two seasons? Yeah, us.

"We did it when we went to Old Trafford. That's because we didn't take many fans of our own, so they could get more of theirs in, of course.

"It would be a tragedy if they left the Premiership. I mean, who would want to play Ajax, Barcelona and Real Madrid when they could play Derby, Leicester and us.

"I can see their point, to be honest. I've known David Dein at Arsenal all my life. He lives down my road.

"Him and his mate Danny Fiszman are football people. They want the best for Arsenal and pay-per-view TV would give them what they want to keep them competing for the top players.

"But any smaller clubs who get sucked in to spending big by this showbiz thing could be in trouble. I wouldn't be surprised if a Premiership club went belly-up - but it won't be us.

"I hear stories of Southampton paying Mark Hughes pounds 20,000-a- week and Stuart Ripley won't have gone there for nothing. The grapevine says Dion Dublin was after something similar at Coventry. Where's it going to stop? My father never earned that in a year.

"I wouldn't tell anyone else how to run their business - certainly not clubs like these - but I just can't understand how it all adds up."

Kinnear's own idea of tidy housekeeping went briefly out the window during his stint as a World Cup TV expert this summer in Dublin.

"I saw every match and, by the time it was over, I'd spent pounds 200 million of Sam Hammam's money on some of the biggest names in world football.

"I just didn't have the heart to ask him for it, though.

"People are saying that I haven't bought, but I've always tried to be one step ahead.

"I bought Michael Hughes from West Ham, Mark Kennedy from Liverpool and Carl Leaburn from Charlton towards the end of last season.

"And Jon Goodman, from Millwall is like a new player because he was injured all last season.

"Okay, we haven't got many foreigners unless you count me as a Cockney Dubliner or our captain Kenny Cunningham, who's from Ireland too.

"People say Joe is good at doing it one way, but what would he do with pounds 50 million quid in his pocket?

"My principles wouldn't change. You can buy badly with big money as many have. I'd just garnish the dish I've got.

"I'm not envious of other clubs. Not intimidated either. I've never taken a step backwards at Wimbledon.

"And these lads I've got have the will to win. We plan every match like a campaign and anyone who gives it the bottom lip with a major sulk doesn't last with us.

"I do hear people like Alex Ferguson have to wait for board meetings before they can act on getting a player. All I do is ask Sam any day of the week. Take Ben Thatcher, who was talking to Leicester.

"I told Sam he's a younger version of Stuart Pearce and would play for England one day.

"Next thing the lad's round Sam's house in St John's Wood and we've got him.

"There's a time for people to go, too. Vinnie Jones was my first signing at pounds 600,000 from Chelsea. He'd die for this club but he's gone to QPR because he's got the chance to be a manager there one day.

"I sold a back four of Barton, Scales, Curle and Phelan for pounds 15 million and replaced them all for pounds 650,000.

"Holdsworth and Leonhardsen cost me pounds 1.4 million between them. They have gone for pounds 7.4 million. I remember people saying it would be the end of us when John Fashanu went.

"We're still here. The cheque book might get us one day, but I can't see it happening yet. We are prepared to kick ass when it suits us."

Too much respect for the good and the great has never been one of Wimbledon's failings.

Nor does their manager err on that side.

Somebody asked him on the box what he'd have done in place of World Cup legend Mario Zagallo to prevent Brazil losing to France in the final.

"I'd have taken Ronaldo off," said Kinnear, "And put on his bird for the second half."

Copyright 1998 MGN LTD
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.