7 lies men tell women

"She's just a friend." "I'll call you tomorrow." What is it with men and their sometimes complicated relationship with the truth? And how can sisters separate fact from fiction?

We asked Ronn Elmore, Psy.D., a Los Angeles psychotherapist and minister who is author of How to Love a Black Man (Warner Books), to give us some honest answers.

(1) `MY HOME PHONE NUMBER? IT'S OUT OF ORDER. HERE'S MY CELL (OR PAGER).'

Understand that even "good guys" sometimes lie, says Elmore: "Men don't want, to hurt the woman they re dealing with, so a man will go way out of his way to create a new reality if e thinks it will keep him from looking as if he's responsible for hurting her. In the early stages of a relationship, we like neat lines of demarcation between separate parts of our lives. Women will have limited access. A man will also lie to get his way. We love life to be uncomplicated. When we go about this responsibly, it can be one of the greatest gifts we bring to a relationship. On the other hand, we may go so far as to lie and create a separate reality where complications don't exist--when in real life there are kids, a wife or whatever."

(2) `I'M LOOKING TO MAKE A COMMITMENT.'

Pay more attention to what a man does than to what he says, says Elmore. Does your commitment-minded guy leave town for a week without calling you? "If his actions don't match his words, then go by his actions," says Elmore. "Women's relationships with one another tend to center on nouns, verbs and adjectives, so they make the mistake of focusing on verbal cues when dealing with men. With men, relationships center on what we do and don't do rather than on what we say."

(3) `SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S JUST AN OLD FRIEND WHO NEEDS A PLACE TO STAY.'

Make sure he knows your reality, says Elmore: "When something fishy appears to be going on--especially in a new relationship--you need to figure out what it means. When women don't know all the answers, they are very good at saying `I have a question about so and so' or `I am troubled about so and so.' What they aren't always so good at saying is `This is what I want.' When you lay out your expectations, your bottom line, then you give the man a concrete thing to respond to. Men are really good at responding to the concrete. So if your bottom line is `I am looking for a relationship in which there isn't a mysterious other woman' or `I expect to know details about this friend of yours and I expect to meet her,' you'll know by his actions whether or not he meets your expectations. End of mystery."

(4) `YEAH, THAT WAS MY MOM WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE. SHE'S STAYING AT MY HOUSE FOR A WHILE.'

Let time be the judge of his true character. Eventually you'll see if your new friend really owns the home--or if his mom does. Patience is the only way to know if he is who and what he appears to be, says Elmore: "Take, for instance, the case of a sister who meets a man in a club, and he tells her he drives a luxury car and is an executive at a huge construction company. They go on a few dates and she brags to her girlfriends about the great guy she has met. On a subsequent dinner date, he steps out to the car and never returns, leaving her to pick up the check. Shortly after that, her friends spot him at the mall in a Taco Bell uniform, and she learns that the only thing he was constructing was tacos. The experience may have been painful, but it was successful as a lesson. At every stage of a growing relationship, you're investigating the other person. The key is his consistent behavior over time. The sister wanted to know if this man was the genuine article. She found out who she was dealing with before she gave away her heart, her body or her money."

(5) `OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER. MY WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME.'

Don't lie to yourself, says Elmore. "Sometimes a sister will avoid inquiring about a suspicious situation because she doesn't want to scare the man off," he says. "In reality, she's the one who's scared--that he leave. So she avoids might leave. So she avoids the topic to stave off her own fears. Her stance is, I don't want to know the answer. I just want this thing to go away. And his response? `What thing? There ain't no thing.' "Don't be so needy or hungry for a relationship that you suspend critical thinking.

(6) `I WAS TESTED LAST MONTH.'

Set your own standards. There are situations in which "trust me" isn't good enough, says Elmore: "For instance, don't have sex based on what a man says about his sexual health. It's ridiculous to think that because you've been to the movies with him ten times, you can count on him to be honest about whether he's disease-free. We tend to think that asking for proof of what a person says about such a critical issue destroys the trust we have for each other. But proof of what you say, if it's really the truth, only heightens my sense of trustworthiness. Here a look at medical records is a good idea."

(7) `NEVER AGAIN. I PROMISE.'

Be careful when you give him the benefit of the doubt. "If you catch a man in an untruth, it's not necessarily the end of your relationship, but it should signal a shift in the way you deal with him going forward," says Elmore. "Dole out a little piece of your heart again and see what he does with it. If he's trustworthy with that, then dole out a little more."

COPYRIGHT 2002 Essence Communications, Inc.
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