Ode to golf

Here's why golf is the greatest game:

* Golf was invented by Scots, the same people who invented bagpipes, haggis and skirts for men. In this context, golf makes perfect sense.

* In 1457, King James II of Scotland declared the game illegal because it was taking time away from his army's archery practice. Golf, then, could be considered one of the first instruments for world peace.

* In 1567, Mary Queen of Scots was criticized for playing golf within a few days after the murder of her husband, Lord Darnley. Golf, therefore, was on the cutting edge of the women's liberation movement, though "cutting edge" is probably not a good choice of words when talking about Mary Queen of Scots.

* The first golf balls were leather covers stuffed with chicken feathers. This is how the word "McNugget" originated.

* After a frustrating day on the links, golfers down through the ages have mused that golf is "flog" spelled backward. No one has ever sat at a bar after a hard day of running, biking and swimming and mused that nolhtairt is triathlon spelled backwards.

* No one plays golf for exercise. Do not gamble with a man who tells you otherwise because he is not to be trusted. One of the great golfers of the 1940s was a man named Porky Oliver. A few years ago, Golf Digest started a campaign to get golfers to walk instead of driving around in electric carts. The campaign generated a lot of laughs, much like one of Pat Paulsen's presidential campaigns.

* Just because golf is not played for exercise does not mean you cannot injure yourself while doing it, thereby giving yourself a story with which you can bore people at cocktail parties.

* Thanks, in part, to Tiger Woods, golf has suddenly become "cool." I am not at all sure that this is a good thing, but it has happened, so I guess we will have to deal with it. Bill Murray plays golf. Kevin Costner plays golf. Hootie and the Blowfish play golf. Dan Quayle and Bill Clinton play golf. Like I said, I'm not at all convinced that this is a good thing.

* Golf courses tend to wind themselves through and around woods and lakes, which means you're likely to see lots of critters. On public courses in Manatee and Sarasota counties, I've seen bobcat, deer, wild turkey, otters, eagles, ospreys, scrub jays, alligators and, once, a rattlesnake that was about 8-feet long and as big around in the middle as my thigh. Which is another good thing about golf carts: You can escape nature quickly if you need to.

* The rules of golf are ridiculously complex, which is the way the rules of a superior game should be. When golfers are not betting or swearing, chances are they're arguing about the rules. Nobody, with the possible exception of Frank Hannigan, understands the rules of golf, least of all the touring pros. Paul Azinger was disqualified from a big tournament in Miami in 1991 because he violated rule 13-4 - - moving a loose impediment in a hazard -- and failed to add the two- stroke penalty before signing his scorecard. A TV viewer caught the infraction and busted Azinger who, needless to say, was not pleased. Roberto de Vicenzo lost a Masters once because he incorrectly signed for a score higher than what he actually shot. "I am such a stupid," poor Roberto lamented when he realized what he had done. De Vicenzo may have lost the Masters, but he inadvertently uttered one of the greatest golf lines of all time.

There are many other reasons why golf is the greatest game but if I say any more it will sound like I'm encouraging you to play and I certainly wouldn't want to do that. The courses are crowded enough already.

David Grimes is a columnist for the Herald-Tribune in Sarasota, Fla.

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