THE HELL OF TEENAGERS

WHEN my children were little I felt a sense of shared experience with other parents. We would bore on together interminably about breast-feeding or sleepless nights. Our bookshelves heaved with tomes of advice on baby care.

Then one day I woke to find my cuddly prepubescent had been transformed into an intimidating, stroppy adolescent and there was no longer the gaggle of parents at the school gate or the toddler group to offer mutual advice and support. And the potential problems were scarier anorexia, drugs, sexual promiscuity, and even suicide.

Next month a major conference in London on adolescence will pose the question: Is adolescence more challenging now for parents and teachers than it was in the past? As the mother of Emma, 15, and Hannah, 11, I would say a resounding yes. Life is more uncertain, so the task of successfully launching an adolescent into the world has become more complicated. In some ways they need the security and support of a loving home more than ever. Yet how are parents supposed to transmit enduring values and judgments when the outside world is clamouring at youngsters with a very different set of morals - think of the ready availability of drugs and drink and the ubiquitous images of sexy allure, or listen, if you can bear it, to the gruesome lyrics of the rap singers.

Teenagers today possess a distinct sense of entitlement. They have grown up in an era of far more lenient parenting practices compared with any previous generation.

Their world may be complicated and scary, but they none the less feel more empowered than teenagers did in the past.

They are more assertive and less directly obedient, especially at home.

They answer back more readily, they withstand parental authority and resist the

traditional notion of respect.

For better or worse, many of the boundaries that existed a generation ago have gradually disappeared. Hence the sense of uncertainty and confusion that the parents of contemporary teenagers so often describe.

And the teenage years arrive earlier than ever before. The other day we trudged round Brent Cross searching for some regular girls' clothes for Hannah. All we could find was smallersized versions of the strappy tops and disco Lycra worn by her big sister. The retailers are brazen enough to call Hannah's age group the "tartlet" market. But it is not only the clothes and the pop groups - S Club 7 or Westlife - that are aiming ever younger.

Emma has encountered girls who are pregnant or seen friends rushed to casualty after excessive drinking and is quite blas about it. All this was unheard of even 20 years ago. I'm not saying I didn't confront the same issues, but it all happened much later mostly after I had already left home.

Britain now has the worst-behaved teenagers in Europe - they take the most drugs, they drink more than any other country (except Denmark) and they are most likely to give birth under 16.

When she was little, I knew all my daughters' friends.

Now I only recognise a handful of them - the rest are a series of mysterious names whom I might occasionally pick up the phone to. I certainly don't know the parents or families of most of her friends any more. She regularly goes off to parties at the homes of people I have never heard of - and I suspect she doesn't always know them too well herself. What goes on there?

It is very difficult to tell. If we are allowed to pick her up, first there is a tough negotiation about what time is acceptable on both sides.

Then we are told to ring when we are nearby and remain in the car somewhere up the street just in case anyone should catch sight of us. On some occasions she asks to sleep over in the homes of girls who are complete strangers.

How do I know what their family views are on curfews, drug use and general supervision, which could be quite different from our assumptions? If she were to catch me ringing up to ask a few casual questions, there would be a major scene.

AT the same time as teenagers are battling against authority within the family, there are powerful attractions from outside conspiring to undermine parents. They face sustained commercial pressures to wear the right clothes, have the right gear and own the right mobile phone. With all these gadgets in place, they can maintain a continual state of connectivity. Even when they are at home they are in almost permanent contact with the world beyond - texting their friends, glued to the phone, surfing the internet, checking into MSN sometimes all at the same time. If I want something from them - time, attention, or even help I am up against stiff competition.

As for encouraging that quintessentially adult skill, the deferment of gratification, I haven't got a hope. If I tell her to put down the phone and get on with her homework, my elder daughter just rolls her eyes and tells me I am living in the Stone Age.

_Get Out of My Life, but First Take Me and Alex into Town, by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks, is out now (Profile Books, pounds 6.99).

Tips for dealing with your adolescent children

It's not fair. Everyone else's parents let them Do they? Try to find out what is really allowed.The more ongoing contact you maintain with their friends' parents, the stronger your position.They hate it if you have an alternative line of communication.

Why do I have to be in by 11pm?

Curfews are a major battleground.

As with any child, you have to pick your fights, but if you believe 11pm is the right time for a 14-year-old, then stand your ground. Be warned that if you weaken and allow a deviation just once, come next Saturday night it will be even harder to hold the line.

Economy with the truth Many teenagers lie, and it doesn't necessarily indicate a fatal character flaw. The trick is to be as precise as possible when asking for explanations and assurances and avoid ambiguities which they can exploit. The clearer you are, the harder it is for them to use the maddening "Oh, I didn't realise you meant " Disappearing boys While girls will rage and scream their way through the teens, boys withdraw from their parents and may have particular difficulties dealing with their mother. It is easier for a father to keep up normal contact, perhaps through sport or shared interests.

You can't go out looking like that Frankly, this one is a waste of time.They'll only stuff the offending outfit in their bag and change at their friend's house.The best course is not to react. If they fail to shock you - which is what they set out to do - then they will sooner realise how ridiculous or inappropriate they look.

Me, me, me Teenagers are obsessed with themselves and can only see the world from their perspective.

Parents are taken entirely for granted. When this drives you mad, it is worth letting them know you do not exist simply to service their needs. There is always the option of saying No to their next request.

The message to the adolescent is: "I am a person too and when I am provoked by inconsiderate, selfish behaviour I don't feel inclined to do any favours."

Beating diversionary tactics If you want help with a chore, try to keep to the point.There may be abuse, sulks and insults. But if you stick to the matter in hand and ignore all provocation, you are more likely to succeed.

House a war-zone?

Just remember that while your kids demand freedom and fight to attain it, they still need to feel their parents' strength.Teenagers frequently embark on battles just for the sake of it - the outcome barely matters.Try to rise above it!

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