In the closet

Well, I've settled it. I have officially experienced the weirdest day of my life. I see absolutely no way that it could ever get stranger than this. Maybe I should contact the Guinness Book of World Records. This could possibly be the weirdest day anyone has ever had. OK, are you ready for the cheesy flashback? No? Good, here it comes anyway:

Today should have been a normal Monday, but of course it wasn't. I wouldn't have a story otherwise. I woke up, yawned, scratched, stepped out of bed and turned on the light. Stumbling over to my closet, I opened the door . . . and screamed. There was a girl in my closet!

She was short, skinny and had sunny blond hair.

"Wow, you found me! You sure took long enough! I am about to die from starvation! Will you let me take a break from this game to get a bite to eat?" she asked.

"What game?" I muttered in a sleepy daze.

"Well, hide and seek, silly!"

"Uh, OK," I said. She thanked me and ran downstairs. This has got to be a dream, I thought. Pulling a fresh shirt over my head, I stumbled downstairs. The mystery blonde was sitting at the kitchen table, eating a waffle. Mom was in the kitchen. Putting my mouth close to her ear, I asked, "Who is that?"

"Why, that's your cousin, Misty, from Texas. She flew in last night.

Don't you remember me telling you she was staying here for a week?"

"Why was she in my closet?"

Mom's cheeks turned a bright red color. "She was so excited to be here that we couldn't get her to go to bed. So ... we told her to play a game of hide-and-seek with us. Once she was upstairs, we went to bed."

"Mom, that's terrible! But, why did she stay in there all night?"

"Well, she's always been a few bricks short of a load. That's why I need you to lead her around town for a while."

"You're kidding, right? She's already driving me crazy, and I've only known her for a few minutes!" I yelled.

"Shush! She'll hear you. Now, you're going to help out, and that is that!"

Fuming, I stomped over to the table and sat down next to her with a huff. "So," I asked, "where do you want to go today?"

"Ooh, ooh, can we go to mall?"

Now, I don't know about you, but I cannot resist puppy-dog eyes. So, reluctantly, I agreed. She jumped up and ran around the house for a few minutes muttering something about keys. Suddenly she realized she didn't even have her car. That brought her to a dead standstill while she tried to figure out how the flight attendant could have forgotten to put her car on the plane. Finally, 20 minutes later, I had convinced her that her car was not here, it was never here, and it will never be here. Only then could I get her out the door. She insisted that I let her drive. To avoid the risk of never leaving the driveway, I agreed. Big mistake! I thought we were never going to get past that four-way stop! She kept insisting that the other guy was first or that he was in a hurry and she should let him go first. As for the cars piling up behind us, she thought they were honking their horns in appreciation of her kindness. When there was no one left at the intersection, we went through.

Finally, we reached the mall. She ran inside. I could hardly keep up with her! The first place she dragged me to was J.C. Penney. I must have stood outside the women's dressing room for hours while she tried on every dress in the mall. I started losing the feeling in my legs, so I leaned in and told her I was going to wander the mall for a while and to meet me in an hour by the mall fountain.

About half an hour after I left her, I heard a huge commotion. Running to the source of the noise, I saw two paramedics crouched around someone lying on the floor in a puddle of water. Suddenly, I noticed the fountain in the background and that the person on the floor was my dimwit cousin. She was starting to wake up.

"What were you doing?" I demanded.

"I got bored waiting for you. Someone had left a sticker on the bottom of the fountain. I wanted to see if it was a scratch-and- sniff, but I couldn't hold my breath long enough," she coughed. Sighing, I grabbed her hand, pulled her off the floor and dragged her out as fast as I could through the laughing mob.

It took another hour to get home. I refused to let her drive and she had a tantrum. Finally, I got her in the car, but all the way home she screamed and begged me to slow down every time I went around a corner or came to a stop sign. I couldn't convince her that if we were ever getting home, I had to go faster than three miles an hour. At about five o'clock, we stumbled in the door. Exhausted, I collapsed on the couch.

"How did it go?" Mom asked.

"Well, except for the traffic jam we caused and her near- drowning, we did OK. Everyone in this whole city hates us now!"

Mom didn't hear a word I said. "Great! I'm glad things went so well! Giving her a tour of the city tomorrow should be no problem then!" she exclaimed. I groaned, got up and stomped to my room. And that's where I am now. I hear my mom calling me to dinner now, so I had better go. Trust me, you may be seeing my obituary before this week is over.

Copyright 2000 Cowles Publishing Company
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.