matchormismatch fantasy relationships that might just work by nicky

leonard dicaprio Background It's 1974, and the most famous actor in Hollywood has just been born - on the wrong side of town. Leo's 1960s throwback parents separated after his birth, but sent him to the Center for Enriched Studies in order to find himself. It didn't take long: the kid star made his screen debut at five, and after being rejected for having the wrong haircut, took bit parts in flops until he turned 18.

Appearance Despite spending his teenage years playing the kind of misfit roles Johnny Depp would die for, Hollywood swiftly moulded Leo into a pin-up glamour boy and poster star, capitalizing on his innocent grin and trademark angel eyes. His bad-ass cherub take on Romeo attracted the teen contingent, while his self-sacrificing, Titanic Jack suceeded in entrapping their mums.

Hobbies Young, post-Titanic Leonardo has been enjoying the trappings of fame to the full. He claims to hate his celebrity status, yet he is Hollywood's A-list party boy, a generous tyke with an eye for beautiful people and good times, who likes to play with the press and paparazzi while despising their every move.

Track record DiCaprio has managed to elude the gossip mongers and keep his privacy intact, leading desperate editors to invent extra- marital relations in attempt to keep him hot. His reluctance to talk about affairs of the heart has lead to much speculation about his sexual orientation, but with a distinct lack of proof in any direction, Leo remains one pretty boy the game can't seem to touch.

Background Born in working-class Charlemagne in 1968, this grande dame of slimfast divadom had to vie with her 13 older siblings to get the attention she so craved. Nourishing comestibles may have been scarce, but musical aspirations were not - Celine first performed live at the age of five, her manager mortagaged his house to release her debut album, and by 1983 she was an international teenage star.

Appearance Like most high-profile ubiquitous chicks, Celine's been lambasted by the press for her weight. She denies accusations of anorexia, but she's still one rich and scrawny broad - facts that could be forgotten when one considers her sartorial expertise. She's just been added to yet another 'worst-dressed women' list, proving that like her lung capacity, la Dion's dress sense is painfully OTT.

Hobbies In her attempt to infiltrate the world's aural passages, the squawking princess has no time for play. She's a production machine, a robotic entity designed to make money. Yet the rumour mill suggests her reign of power may be ending - in an attempt to prove she's not an alien, Celine plans to pop a sprog ASAP.

Track Record For a chick who never tires of singing about lurve, Celine's not that experienced. After her 19th birthday her thrice- divorced manager, afraid that her encroaching adulthood might impede her careerist progress, began to woo her. They married in Montreal in 1994, once Celine had promised to never, ever sing in the shower.

celine dion

IT would be the uppermost coupling of fame. DiCaprio and Dion are at the apex of their respective careers, the most lucrative assets any industry could desire, and in the interests of cross-border economic relations they should most probably mate. But despite shared teenage stardom and high-profile stress, enormous co-habitive tax breaks and inevitable press saturation, you needn't watch this space. Maybe it's the age difference, the staggering divergent lifestyles, the evident disparity in tastes, but there's something repellent about the very concept of a Dion/DiCaprio tryst. Socialite chubster meets alien rake? Not in this boy's life.

MATCH OR MISMATCH?

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