Less cucumber and more bull

It's always the same when you get the builders in.

They give you a reasonable (though fictitious) price for the job, then as soon as you tell them to go ahead, back they come with a thousand reasons why it'll cost an arm and a leg more to install disco lights in your jacuzzi.

And that's just your average lumpen British builder. When you get to your continental type, you're onto even more of a loser. That's why everywhere you go on holiday, all the hotels are half-built. They're too lazy to finish anything.

wop So why am I the only man in Scotland who isn't surprised that that wop Miralles can't turn out a decent parliament for less than #230 million? Has Uncle Donald never taken his bucket and spade to Magaluf and sat by the pool in the shade of a large building site?

Obviously I haven't either, but I have watched the Real Holiday show and seen Gaby Roslin struggling with some of my readership in their shellsuit shorts. They look exactly as they do here, only redder and drunker. I have to confess that does hurt, but then when I finally get the editorship of the Telegraph, all this will be a distant, painful memory.

But seriously, would you get in a Spanish builder to make improvements to your little penthouse love-shack? Neither would I - and neither would anyone else with any sense. Only a bunch of politicians would want to make it as difficult as possible. Just trying to keep in with the EC, I suppose.

tapas But I think if David Steel examines the Holyrood plans in a bit more detail, he will soon find there's a tapas bar in there he doesn't remember asking for - and maybe somewhere for the bulls to run round outside, to bring a much-needed touch of excitement to the place. Because otherwise the tourists just aren't going to bother slogging all the way down the bottom of the Royal Mile.

You've got to wonder just who's responsible for all the fancy demands that have made the price soar anyway. You don't get this carry on in Westminster - and what's the difference? Yep loads more women MPs in the Scottish parliament. I don't want you to think I'm in any way prejudiced against the fair but not very reasonable sex, but was there originally a health spa in the plans, or is that somewhere for the girlies to tart themselves up for all those photocalls?

Any bloke could tell you what a disaster it is to let women have a say in this kind of thing. I don't think anyone would object to Sarah Boyack's bike rack, but I bet there's a nice little conservatory in there for Annabel Goldie and her mob, somewhere to serve the cucumber sandwiches and Earl Grey. And personally I blame Margo MacDonald for the karaoke hall, but that may be just an ugly rumour.

You have to stand up to the hordes of frightening females, David. Tell them no to a nail parlour and a branch of M&S. Democracy can't afford it.

crap The only other option is to relocate somewhere cheaper in the west of Scotland. And I think voters would like to see the national football stadium properly utilised. No other parliament in the world could boast season ticket support, David Steel would approve of the "inclusive" shape - and even if the Scottish team can't win anything, there'll be a proper debate on why they're so crap.

That's what makes me the success I am today - the ability to see the big picture. I'm a man of 20/20 vision in a world that's dropped its contact lenses at a party and hasn't a clue how it's going to get home.

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