Big mouth strikes again

Malcolm Burgess decodes what the word round the office really means to you

THIS article is about office communication. That's why it won't start by giving you any information that could be remotely useful. It'll just keep you putting two and two together and making stupid guesses.

And no, you're wrong, whatever it is you're thinking.

Already got the screaming ad dabs? Of course you have, but for too many of us office communication is an endless blurry fog where important news comes only through the grapevine. And some might not even get to meet people outside - or inside - our own departments.

But how does your company rate?,choose its communications model below and find out if you're waving or drowning (or both)?

The Office Christmas Party Staff Seminar In lots of companies the season of mellow drunkenness is also the time we receive some real gems of company news, It's at the office Christmas party we get to hear about any changes from the widest cross-section (they can't all be wrong) and have time to corroborate them (another game of Office Scruples anyone?).

Fortunately full support systems (ie. enough booze) are available for when you hear that one of the sad victims of next month's de- layering is, er, guess who?

Giveaway phrases: "We're not going to Gstaad in the New Year for obvious reasons" (Chief Executive).

"We probably won't have a house in the New Year for obvious reasons" (Everyone else).

The Klingon Corporate Model In some offices the rumours are that the Klingons have landed - judging by the language of corporate communications.

True, they're making an effort to keep in touch with us but who can understand a word they're saying?

Who would ever have thought that "a paradigm of an interface situation to evaluate strategy" meant "meeting"? Or that "our human resource function needs streamlining" is trying to tell us that the woman who asks people about their hobbies at interviews is being fired?

All we can do is wait for Scottie to beam us up.

Giveaway phrases: "It looks like a typical blue sky scenario" (The Klin-gons).

"Yes, we have no bananas" (You).

The Taggart Scenario Every office has a Taggart communicator - the kind of person who wishes to deposit information (among other things) on you from a very great height.

As emails flame and memos multiply, you certainly can't complain that they aren't keeping you in the picture.

But it's all rather one-sided: is this really communication or do they have more effective ways of making you listen, like suggesting that you haven't got your P45 - yet?

Giveaway phrases: "Is there anything I haven't told you?" (The Taggart).

"No" (You).

I still can't believe their not nutters Some of us are still a little cynical when faced with the caring, sharing company that has a genuine desire to communicate. It encourages us to be proactive at cheerful weekly staff meetings, hold regular social events and even provides us with presentations about company developments.

Only let's see first how they treat us in the next recession and how they still feel about empowering tea ladies. Then we might just agree to have their babies.

Giveaway phrases: "People, this is your company and we want each of you to take on board a sense of ownership" (Them).

"Er, probably. No one's asked me that before. It's a bit of a shock" (You).

The Bottom Line Some of us just don't have any alternative. Gossip in the toilet if you really must.

Giveaway phrases: "There's going to be a takeover by Bill Gates and anyone who refuses to have a haircut like him will be transferred to a call centre in Wigan" (Everyone else).

"I can believe it!" (You).

Copyright 1998
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.