DEAR BANKSY

Mum's all tooled up to practise

her beauty drill!

pounds 100MY HUSBAND was putting up shelves in our bedroom and, intending to finish the job the following day, left a hammer, screwdriver and drill on my dressing table. The next morning while I was brushing my hair, my teenage daughter walked in, eyed the tools and said: "Hello mum... Fixing your face?" - Mrs P. Ashley, Beechwood, Middlesboro.

My missus reckons I'd need a ton of iron scaffolding just to hold in my bulging waistline, so I'm not commenting, Mrs A!

pounds 5THE controversial new movie Titanic reminds me of a heated discussion I had in college about the difference between the amateur and the professional. The parting words of our lecturer were unforgettable - "Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen, it was a professional who built the Titanic, but it was an amateur who built Noah's Ark!" - L. Rowlands, Cardiff.

You must have got a real sinking feeling when he said that...

pounds 5MY niece was on a girls' night out when the talk turned to bust sizes. Her friend, who is not very big in that department, mentioned that she wished she had more cleavage. "Why don't you try wearing a Wonderbra?" my niece suggested. She wanted the ground to swallow her up when her friend replied, "I already am." - Mrs Anne Horrocks, Birmingham.

Sounds to me like she should have made a clean breast of it and then done a runner!

pounds 5WHAT a lot of nonsense has been spoken about Labour's plans to outlaw sports sponsorship by the tobacco companies. The bottom line is not the pounds 8 million-worth of sponsorship which might be lost, but the lives snuffed out by smoking.

The tobacco spokesmen insist that this form of advertising doesn't promote smoking. So why the hell are they throwing money away? And if they're spending this as a sort of charitable donation, then might I suggest that the various cancer charities might be a more suitable destination? - B. Preston, Ebbw Vale, Gwent.

I reckon that the sport authorities might be better off taking a look at booze, judging by the amount top footballers seem to get down their throats in nightclubs!

pounds 5MY husband recently went out on a stag night. When I woke at 7 o'clock the following morning, I realised that he had still not arrived home. Knowing him as I do, I wasn't unduly concerned. He was obviously still out drinking and having a good time with the lads. I went to the bathroom to get ready for work as usual.

By the time I'd gone downstairs, he had obviously just come in and was in a semi-comatose state in a chair. He opened his eyes, took one look at me dressed with full make-up on, and asked: "Where the hell have you been until this hour of the morning?" He thought that I had just come home and wasn't too pleased to think that I had been out all night, although it's perfectly acceptable for him. What a cheek! - Y. Mann, Victoria Park, London.

Mrs Banksy says I'm slumped semi-comatose in my chair ALL the time, so she's never sure whether I'm coming or going!

pounds 5I HAVE just returned from a holiday in Spain, where I discovered that EVERY pensioner is given a free week's holiday by the government. This includes pounds 50 spending money, full-board at three- or four-star hotels, a litre of house wine with dinner AND a coach trip every day with a packed lunch. A bitter difference from our pounds 10 Christmas bonus AND the 25p extra pensioners get on their 80th birthday.

Spain a backward country? That's a load of bull. - A. Thorpe, Sale, Cheshire.

You're right, Mr Thorpe - pensioners in lots of countries do seem to get a better deal. Over to you, Mr Blair...

pounds 5THE other night I came in from our local after a couple of drinks to find the house dark and empty. As I entered the living room I was shocked to see a tall, shadowy figure next to the TV. Before turning on the lights, I leaped on the intruder, knocking him to the floor. A second later I found to my horror that the man I had tackled was nothing but a cardboard cut-out of a Star Wars stormtrooper. My house-mate had put it there as a birthday surprise. - Richard Thomas, Oxford.

It's a good job he didn't leave a cardboard version of Mike Tyson, isn't it - he might have fought back!

pounds 5NOW that I'm a young mum with two children, my friend is always looking for birthday presents that will make me feel glamorous. This year she turned up with a pair of black satin knickers. The eyes of my four-year-old son Thomas lit up and he said: "Cor Mum". My friend was delighted with his response until he added, "Batman pants." - Mrs C. Jones, Wavertree, Liverpool.

Just make sure you don't wear them OUTSIDE your slacks, that's all I say!

FREDDIE'S A STAR

I WAS sorry to read in last week's Sunday Mirror that madcap comic Freddie Starr is being treated for depression. People are always criticising him, but I think he's the funniest man on the planet. I only have to see his face appear on the TV screen and I start laughing. Get well soon, Freddie...and our hamster sends his love too! G. Godfrey, Brentwood, Essex.

Write to DEAR BANKSY, Sunday Mirror, 1 Canada Square,

Canary Wharf, London E14 5AP. Or e-mail [email protected]

There's pounds 100 for our letter of the week, pounds 5 each for all others used.

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