Mars calling ... kindly buzz off back to Earth!

pounds 100 After seeing the picture in last week's Sunday Mirror of the American Pathfinder probe on Mars, we thought we'd send you this poem about how the Martians must feel...

I'm a law-abiding Martian

With an aerial on my head

It's OK here on planet Mars

Though the atmosphere is dead.

I go about my business

In a Martian sort of way

When from the sky, and quite up high

This capsule comes to stay.

It bounces on the surface

And finally comes to rest

And then out pops this thingy

With a TV in its chest.

I'm not sure what it's doing

Or when it will be done

I just wish it would buzz off back

To the place from which it's come.

So humanoids please listen

Keep your nose out of our place

And we'll not send our saucers

To zap the human race.

- Mrs & Mrs J. Bateman, Worth, West Sussex.

When I look round at some of the alien-type creatures in my local pub, I'm not surprised the Martians wouldn't want us!

pounds 5 It was very foggy as I drove round a corner into my village, and I noticed small green shapes were looming out of the gloom outside every house like aliens waiting to invade.

I pulled into my drive, almost running into my own strange green intruder.

It was then that I realised we weren't being invaded by Martians ....we'd all just been issued with wheelie bins by the council! - Deborah Clarke, Meare, Somerset

So that's where the little green men from outer space come from - they're obviously hiding out in those wheelie bins!

pounds 5 The latest space probe on Mars by the Americans leaves me angry and cold. Despite billions spent on space exploration I'm still waiting to see how mankind has benefited. I still suffer from colds, rheumatism and headaches. Millions continue to die from cancer, heart disease, Parkinson's Disease, and dozens of other killer diseases that neither science nor the medical world have found a cure for.

So with more millions spent on exploring Mars what do they expect to find apart from dust and boulders? Let's spend money on the things that matter down here on the planet Earth! - James King, Prestwich, Manchester.

To get serious about space now...you just CAN'T stop mankind exploring, Mr King. Otherwise people would think the world was flat and it ended at Dover.

pounds 5I was intrigued to read there had been no fewer than 14 streakers on one day of the Third Test at Old Trafford. Seemingly they were all brought down in tackles from specially- recruited burly stewards from Salford Rugby League Club.

This diversion - more entertaining than much of the cricket on show - could become an entertainment in itself. Release X number of streakers - male, of course - and let teams compete as to who grounds them all in the fastest time.

This should surely appeal to both sporty and sporting spectators. - Mrs. V. Kelly, Blackpool.

Count me out, Mrs K...a body like mine should be covered up at all times!

pounds 5 A notice I saw inside a sports centre while on holiday read: "You cannot use our toilets unless you use the swimming pool. "- John Clarke, Nr. Worksop, Notts.

pounds 5 So Manchester United are launching their new football strip, the 13th kit change in six years - surprise, surprise.

When it comes to getting cash off their supporters they are in a league of their own. Why don't they change their logo to a pound sign and have done with it and the Red Devils motto could be changed to Greedy Devils! - Paul Oulton, Liverpool.

I couldn't agree more - just think how much dads have to shell out to keep up with the football fashions.

pounds 5I was trying to explain the old imperial system of measurements in inches and feet to my German daughter-in-law and comparing them with the European system of metres and centimetres.

Converting them into inches was no problem, it was turning them into feet that puzzled her. Then she said that it could not be worked out exactly as my foot (size 11) was much bigger than hers. You've just got to laugh, haven't you... - R.G. Hepburn, Stevenage, Herts.

The Germans certainly seem to have their own measurements when it comes to beer. Have you seen the size of those glasses in the Bavarian beer halls? They look like buckets!

Tim's no square!

Some of our great sporting heroes have places or things named after them, like the Shankly Gates at Anfield. But the latest one really made me laugh. Two women in our local shopping centre were talking and one said: "Did you see the news on the telly about Hong Kong?" Her friend replied: "I saw a bit of it. I saw all the people dancing and singing in Tim Henman Square." He's good, but not that good! But if he ever does visit Tiananmen Square in Beijing he should feel at home!- J.E. Woolley, Liverpool.

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