What do I see in a fat, spotty boy of 16? Well, he's more mature than

HE'S a tubby, pimple-faced boy of 16 with bad hair and glasses. She's a glamorous woman of 28 with the kind of figure that turns heads everywhere she goes.

When they started going out together, rumours swept Hollywood that Ozzy Osbourne's nerdish son Jack was having an affair with one-time TFI Friday sex symbol Catalina Guiardo.

Today Catalina confirms that she IS seeing a lot of teenage Jack. But she insists that there is no romance, and says she has "adopted" him as an honorary younger brother.

Since Jack found TV fame in The Osbournes, the hit fly-on-the wall show about his rocker dad's chaotic home life, he has become an unlikely object of desire for LA's legions of celebrity groupies.

But not for Cat, whose role on Chris Evans' TV show was as the sexy girl rejected by each week's Ugly Bloke contest winner. She insists she likes Jack for himself...not his fame.

"He is very cool, and he's more intelligent than most 30-year-old men in Los Angeles," she says.

"He's just starting out having all this TV fame, and because I've had it in London, it's nice for him to talk to me about it.

"I can tell him about the pitfalls - the phoney friends, the hangers-on who won't be around when your TV show ends.

"We met three months ago at an LA bar which promotes local rock bands, and just started talking. Because we're both British we hit it off and have become good friends.

"He's a very sweet kid, fun to hang out with, and we share the same sense of humour.

"Many Americans don't understand British sarcasm and take offence, so I'm continually explaining myself and apologising. But Jack gets it.

"I see him at nightclubs and we speak on the phone, and hang out in Malibu sometimes, where he likes to hang on the beach and surf. Sometimes we'll have lunch.

"I've met his sister Kelly many times. She's a real sweetheart, great fun. But I've never met Ozzy and his wife Sharon."

Cynics might say that Cat has never met a celebrity she doesn't like, and is sinking to a new cradle- snatching low in befriending Jack. But she insists: "I have no desire to be on his show, and no interest in meeting his family. I like him a lot, but let's face it, he's just 16, a bit young even for me. He was going to school when I first met him.

"I'm astonished to see women of my age throwing themselves at him. It's a very LA thing to hit on him, because everyone wants to see Ozzy's house. Jack's surrounded by California girls buying into the media hype. I've seen the bullshit, I've had hangers-on myself, and I see through it.

"I'd like him as a friend even if he wasn't famous. I don't see him as a TV star, but as an interesting kid who I can relate to. I haven't got a family out here and I've kind of adopted him as a younger brother."

Those cynics might also point out that Cat is trying to get a music career off the ground, and Jack just happens to work as a talent scout for Epic Records, his dad's label.

But she insists: "I'm not the kind of musical style he looks for. Jack likes heavy metal."

Whatever Cat's thoughts on their relationship, it is hard to imagine that Jack is unaware of her looks.

She had a successful modelling and TV career in Britain before she moved to America two years ago to join boyfriend David Boreanaz, who stars in Angel, the hit TV spin-off from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

"I thought I was going to marry him," she sighs. "But two weeks after I got to LA, I discovered he was seeing other women."

By staying in the USA, Cat hopes to start afresh as a singer/ songwriter. She says: "I have no regrets about TFI Friday. But in Britain I was too well known for it to be taken seriously. Here, I'm getting recognition from music producers and writers and artists and I'm working with some really great people.

"Blondie wanted to cover one of my songs, but luckily didn't. Now I'm hoping it will be my first single."

Catalina, who gets her exotic name and exotic looks from having a Spanish father and British mother, is also moving back into TV.

"I'm developing a design show, and appearing in a documentary about dating in LA," she says.

Dating is something she can talk about for hours. "I prefer American men's looks and bodies to British men because they take care of themselves better. But LA men are walking disasters. They're childish, spoilt, selfish, and even when they're with you they're always looking for a better offer.

"What do I look for in a man?" She grabs her Filofax. "I made a list. "Good looking. Rock'n'roll. Likes to have fun. Creative. Quick- witted sense of humour. Intelligent. Loves animals. Talented. Grounded. Spiritual. Classy. Passionate. Wants to get married and be monogamous."

The list goes on. And on. For two pages. Several of the items have ticks beside them. "That was from a pop video producer I dated," she says. "He did well on the first page, but flunked page two."

She may be unimpressed by LA men, but Cat has had more than her share of LA experiences, including being arrested for drunk driving.

"I was pulled over for a broken taillight on my '77 Dodge Dart after leaving a bar where there'd been a fight after a guy put his hand up my skirt. I was in tears and told the cops what had happened. They gave me the breathalyser, and I was 0.9 - the California limit is 0.8 - so I was arrested.

"In a strange way, I enjoyed the experience. The cop taking my mug shot said: 'You're really beautiful, you should be a model'. So I started posing for the mug shots."

Cat had to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and take classes on substance dependency.

She says: "I'm quite glad it happened, because eventually I'd have been busted for drinking a lot more."

For now, Cat is getting by on her savings and an advance from her American songwriting publisher - and regrets that she can't afford to do more for her mother, Audrey.

"She was a housekeeper and worked her arse off, giving up everything to make sure I had enough money to get a good life.

"When I was doing TFI Friday I bought her a new kitchen and paid some of her bills, and sent her money each week.

"I'd like to be able to do that again. It means a lot to me to be able to support my mum, and it's a bit depressing now I'm here that I haven't been able to do so. But she's very supportive of my move, and pursuing my musical dreams.

"Eventually I want to settle down, and have horses, dogs, cats, loads of animals and a farm.

"I want to be able to live in Britain and America, and move back and forth. I really miss London, it's so cool."

And she insists: "I would love to find the right man.

"I am the marrying kind, though I'm having doubts that it'll ever happen if I keep living in LA."

Despite the busy rumour mill, Cat says she won't be marrying Jack.

"He'll make a great husband one day," she says. "Just not mine."

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