Take A walk on the wild side

WE'RE undercover, dressed in black; I'm having trouble containing my excitement. We've been told to be here, at a certain place and at a certain time, with a certain amount of cash-only-please. The money is collected by Guido, a bald man with a limp. Guido disappears as soon as transactions have been made. This is meant to be a tour of Sopranos locations in New Jersey - so far it has the marks of a Mafia operation in itself.

For the past week I have been glued to the television in anticipation of this tour, the brainchild of Chris Lucas, a New Jersey-born Sopranos fanatic who happens to work as a guide in New York. I have immersed myself in the Sopranos so I can appreciate each location; I expect every underpass, every lay-by, and every storefront to be swimming in meaningful, memorial blood. I have been singing the theme song in the shower, calling my father "capo" and gorging on effing zitti and capa gool. Dressed in a dark suit and shades, photographer Derek not only looks like a Mafioso, but he talks like one too. We decide we look sufficiently obsessed and prepare to board.

In the States, the Sopranos is part of the furniture, as American as Oreo cookies, Martha Stewart and damn fine cherry pie. Back in the UK, though, the series has been something of a cult secret, airing two series to critical acclaim and commercial success. With the launch of season three on E4, though, the Sopranos phenomenon looks set to rocket further.

The show's star is the principal reason behind its success. Tony Soprano, played by James Gandolfini, sees a psychiatrist, likes his food and has innumerable mother issues. He's also the Mafia boss. He's an evil, contracted, violent killer, a lying bigamist, a terrible father, inherently wrong, but also a loveable, affable, vulnerable man, the Godfather of the dysfunctional family, kind of like the Don next door.

It's not that we didn't believe Pacino, Brando and DeNiro in the Godfather or Liotta, Pesci and DeNiro in Goodfellas, but these were all-glamour mobsters, with blonde mistresses and trophy wives, as mythical as the Cowboys and the Indians. The Sopranos, on the other hand, are just mundane enough to make them seem not only possible but plausible. Tony sees a shrink, is terrified by the memory of his mother, loves his children but can't help cheating on his wife. Carmela is a neurotic gymaholic with enough moral fibre to chastise Tony for his actions but not quite enough to keep her from accepting his blood money or fantasising about the priest.

They live in the suburbs of New Jersey, not Little Italy in New York. Replace the money from the mob with money from unethical multi- nationals and you've pretty much got a nuclear American family following that trusty old war-horse, the capitalist American dream.

Which maybe explains why I am the only non-American on this tour. In fact, I am the only person on this tour from outside of New York, except for the unforeseen TV crew. A woman dressed all in scarlet, with five-inch heels and a cleavage to match, is interviewing people for a Sopranos documentary, to be produced by famous New Jersey son, Frank Sinatra Jr. Apparently, it might be shown on cable, but is more likely to go straight to DVD.

Suddenly, tour guide Chris gets animated and interrupts the TV lady's flow. We are about to enter the Holland Tunnel and when we come out we'll be reliving the Sopranos opening sequence, "as if we were Tony Soprano himself". And as the opening bars of Alabama 3's Woke up This Morning rebound around the bus, despite the fact that I'm in a tour bus and not a fancy car, I can't help but have a Tony Soprano moment.

The coach trundles through some prime industrial wasteland - "Garbage is our bread and butter," says Chris - and into a mall parking lot in Secaucus, where we pick up some more local fans. Angel the driver ignores the road and drives over the kerb, then down the wrong side of the road to the stop.

"Don't worry," laughs Chris. "You got a big bus that says Sopranos on it, no one's gonna bother you."

The New Jersey contingent alight and the TV crew pounce. There's a family of four identically fat people, with matching camcorders and shorts.

A bewildered young couple look like they've already made a mistake. An elderly woman in pink and white, who has been under the scalpel a few too many times, takes a photo of driver Angel as she boards. Chris hands out his hand-drawn and photocopied maps of New Jersey. The "r" on the Jersey, like the Sopranos "r", the "r" in Chris and the "Made in New Jersey" T-shirt, is in the shape of a gun. The locations are all thoroughly, if rather haphazardly marked.

In the right hand corner, "Atlantic Ocean" Chris has scrawled "RIP 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero. Big Pussy, one of Chris's favourite characters, was the FBI informant that Tony had to clip, sending him to sleep with the fishes. The back of the map has a list of New Jersey towns with locations listed underneath each one. The bus becomes agitated, everyone starts talking, trying to out-Soprano-fan each other at once. "I told you that the mall was Garden State Plaza and not that other one!" says one smug woman to another. "And I knew that Tony's House must be in North Caldwell!" she replies.

As we drive, Chris talks non-stop about northern New Jersey and its laws. The Sopranos, it seems, is less than worried about verisimilitude. The opening sequence is geographically awry and Tony would never be allowed to fill his own petrol tank because it's illegal here. Chris clearly knows his stuff, but charmless town morphs into charmless wasteland, I begin to wish a Soprano could come teach him when to shut up.

We don't stop too often, and our list of 15 promised locations seems more vague and non-exciting by the mile ("See that bit of road? That's where Tony and Christopher whacked a guy in the pilot."). We can't see Tony's house, because it's a private residence now. However, we do learn that the architect is now doing Sopranos replica houses for $6 million apiece, and had completed 800 at the last count. Incidentally, the last victim of the Unabomber lives next door.

In Jersey City, we are invited to alight and take photos of Wilson's House of Carpets, complete with its large lumberjack sign (also featured in the opening slot). Everyone obliges, crossing the road, clicking away. Some people take photos of the film crew interviewing other passengers, the fat family video the photographers. Derek snaps the whole lot and I begin to suspect everyone is an undercover journalist.

Back on the bus, Chris tells us about Puccini's, the real-life equivalent of Vesuvio's (though not the location - like many others, it's just a studio set). Apparently, the New Jersey Mafia (yes, they exist) used to go there, and the FBI bugged the place. When the tapes were released this year, you could hear these genuine made men arguing about which Sopranos character they were meant to be. "I'm not big Pussy, there's no way I'm fat enough!" one notoriously large member is said to have remarked.

Chris is now showing us pictures of the characters, reading notes off the back. Carmela gets a cheer, but attention is starting to wane. Then another unpretty stop, Kearney, home of (at last!) Satriale's Pork Store and Richie's Social Club. Only Satriale's doesn't really exist, you see. It's just an unmarked building (the sign is only there when filming) and the social club is actually an Irish club, complete with flag. "You can have 20 minutes here, enthuses Chris. We dutifully troop off the bus and head for the Satriale's building, snapping away and peeking through the dirty windows to get a glimpse inside. No one seems too happy, but no one's complaining yet. "I've never felt like a tourist in my own state before," says Eric, a 30-year old birthday boy who was bought this tour as a present from his parents. They are here too, staring lovingly at their preppy son. Suddenly, he blurts out to the crowd: "I was on Montel Williams once, in red lingerie." His parents nod, and whisper, "He's not exactly shy."

"Really?" says Chris. Dramatic pause. "Well, I've been on the Sopranos a couple of times myself." Silence. Everyone stares at Chris. Chris stares back and then tells about life as an extra on everybody's favourite show. Eric is glowing bright red and green, looking every inch the angry underdog. I expect someone to go get themselves a gun, but instead we get back on the bus and head through North Arlington past the opening credits "smallest pizzeria in the world", Pizzaland.

The tiny brick edifice now boasts a Sopranos sign in its window, but we barely have time to peek before we've arrived at the Bada Bing!

The Bada Bing! for the uninitiated, is a strip joint owned by Tony Soprano, used as a meeting and planning room for the family.

G-string clad women wander around, hanging off the mobsters, chatting or casually sashaying around the pole. The real Bada Bing! is also a strip joint, a place called Satin Dolls off Route 17. It's a hideous building, with an ugly great Lettraset sign outside proclaiming its affiliation with the show and encouraging bypassers to "book your bachelor party here".

But not, it seems, if you are on the Sopranos tour. It's four in the afternoon when we arrive, and the club owners make it very clear that we are not wanted. After negotiations with Chris they let us enter in small groups, but without the TV crew. Inside, dim lighting vies with a neon sign flashing the names of the dancers - who are, incidentally, covered up in bikinis and stockings due to the state's no nudity law. We are ushered past the bar's customers to the back - at last, I think, some real Mafia action. I push my sunglasses back on to my nose, only to realise that they're not here to sell us drugs, arms or contract killings but T-shirts. I might be the only disappointed one, though, for nearly everyone else on the bus forks out for their Bada Bing! shirt. Eric buys two.

Outside, a disgruntled TV crew are interviewing the fat family from the bus.

"What's your favourite location?" they are asked. "The Bada Bing!" shout the boys. "And your favourite character?" "The Bada Bing!" chuckles Dad. Wearily, I get back on board.

We have one stop left: Sorrento's Pastry, the bakery where Christopher got mad and bad way back in series one. Our Chris runs in to buy canoli and Napoleons, managing not to shoot anyone on the way. The TV crew leave, tottering off on their patent heels. People start exchanging trivia, Chris conducts a kind of quiz. He tells us, for the fifth time, that the state of New Jersey is like a character in the show. Which, in a way, is true. It's suburban, urbane, ugly, like the actions of the show's characters; the gilded glamour of the state's many malls echoing the cracking faade of glamorous Mafia life. Both seem echoed in this tour. The show, at least, is redeemed by its charm but this just feels tacky, like a ditch attempt to make a quick buck on the back of some regional success.

I feel a lot less like a gangster now, my black clothes fading to grey in the dirty sunlight. Back in New York, a lady from the tour stops me. "Excuse me, she says. "But I have to ask you - whatever were you writing all that time?" I grin, shamefaced - some undercover reporter. But then I redeem myself. "Well, ma'am," I say, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." It's the most Mafia I've felt all dayu Tony Soprano The big boss. Prone to panic attacks. Takes Prozac and sees a psychiatrist. Has sexual fantasies about her. His own mother tried to have him whacked. Likes ducks.

Carmela Soprano Tony's wife. Loves him but knows he cheats on her. Snogged the decorator. Has trouble reconciling Catholicism with the material gains of being married to the mob.

Dr Jennifer Malfi Tony's psychiatrist. Fancies him but fears him as well. She has a shrink to cope with being his shrink. Secret vodka drinker. Played by Lorraine Bracco, who played Karen in Goodfellas.

Livia Soprano Tony's mother. Tried to have him wacked. Enters scenes on a stairlift. Is "into negativity" but not Green Grove, "retirement community". Nancy Marchand, the actress who played Livia, died last year.

Corrado Soprano Universally known as "Uncle Junior". Was the big boss until Tony took over. Enjoys flat caps and oral sex. Has a nice sideline in bad jokes.

Paulie Walnuts One of Tony's right hand men. Wears shellsuits. Will kill you on a whim. Believes he is going to hell. Also believes Starbucks has hijacked Italian culture.

Silvio Dante Owner of Bada Bing! the strip joint where Tony and buddies hang out. Pulls funny faces. Is obsessed with the Godfather movies. Often quotes Al Pacino: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."

Christopher Moltisanti Tony's nephew. He's the James Dean of The Sopranos. Wanted to be a screenwriter until he got shot. He even took acting lessons. Now he seems to be happy being a gangster.

Meadow Soprano Tony's daughter. She's attending Columbia University and going out with a bloke called Noah. Look out for sexual tension between her and Christopher.

Anthony Soprano Jr Tony's son. Known as "AJ". Could stand to lose a few pounds. In the first two series, AJ enjoyed eating and reading Nietzche. In series three he starts to go off the rails.

Janice Soprano Tony's sister. Into mysticism and marijuana. Likes to be known as "Parvati". She shot and killed her fiance Richie Aprile in a furious lover's tiff, saving Silvio the bother.

Sal Bompensiero The gangster formerly known as "Big Pussy". He was a close part of Tony's crew until, busted by the Feds, he agreed to wear a wire. But they found out and he now sleeps with the fishes.

Spoiler alert!

plot revealed This is an episode guide to the new series of The Sopranos. If you don't want to know what happens, stop reading now Mr Ruggerio's Neighbourhood The Feds bug Tony's house. He worries that his mother, Livia, will testify against him.

Proshai, Livushka Tony collapses after warning off Meadow's boyfriend. Livia dies suddenly. Janice returns from Seattle for the funeral.

Fortunate Son Christopher becomes a 'made' guy. Anthony Jr suffers a blackout just like his dad.

Employee of the Month Janice is attacked by the Russian mafia after she steals a prosthetic leg. Dr Melfi is sexually assaulted.

Another toothpick Carmela joins Tony for a psychiatry session. Uncle Junior announces that he has cancer. Artie Bucco - the moustachioed chef - falls for Christopher's fiancee, Adriana.

University Meadow and her boyfriend Noah get naked but then he dumps her. Tony punches Ralf Cifaretto, the late Richie Aprile's evil cousin.

Second Opinion Uncle Junior has a tumour removed from his stomach, but the operation is not a success. Furio puts the frighteners on the doctor. A psychiatrist advises Carmela to leave her husband. Tony is amused by a Billy Bass singing fish but becomes upset when it reminds him that he dumped Big Pussy Bompensiero in the ocean.

He Is Risen Gigi, a new member of Tony's crew, has a heart attack on the toilet. Jackie Aprile Jr and Meadow are dating but the relationship seems doomed. He gives her drugs and alcohol, causing her to have a car crash.

To Save Us All From Satan's Power It's not a great Christmas for Tony. He has guilty dreams about whacking Big Pussy then he spots Jackie Aprile Jr enjoying a lap dance and finally someone gives him a Billy Bass as a present. Trauma!

The Pine Barrens When a hit goes wrong, Paulie Walnuts and Christopher spend a night lost in the woods. Meadow dumps Jackie Aprile Jr.

Amour Fou Tony has problems with his mistress, Gloria, whose behaviour is eerily like Livia's. Jackie Aprile Jr tries to rob a card game packed with 'made' guys.

The Army of One The season finale. Vito whacks Jackie Aprile Jr. Meadow is devastated. Silvio and Christopher are arrested by the Feds. AJ is expelled from school, and has a panic attack when Tony suggests he join the military academy. Meanwhile, it looks as if Paulie Walnuts might jump ship to the New York crew.

The Sopranos begins tonight on E4 and Channel 4 in September

Copyright 2001
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