Why i scream at awards; Alan Taylor's Diary

BY some appalling oversight, which I dare say has already caused several heads to roll, I did not receive an invite to the Scottish Politician of the Year awards. Nevertheless I was a witness to it all, thanks to the wonderful invention of TV.

Our sister paper, The Herald, which co-sponsors the awards with Zurich, says that those invited included "leading figures from the worlds of politics, arts, sport and entertainment", which means a gallimaufry of MPs and MSPs, Ian Rankin, Rhona the curler and Daniela Nardini. When the latter was called to present an award one soak bellowed, "Give us an ice-cream!" That's what passes for Wildean wit in these precincts. Ms Nardini replied with a look that would freeze a furnace.

Meanwhile, a "leading figure" from the world of journalism, who was at Ms Nardini's table, inquired if he should know who she was. He should try turning on the dial his television more often.

Gong to therabid dogs NORMALLY, I bend over backwards to be generous towards politicians, several of whom, I'm assured, are only human. I do draw the line, though, at some of them receiving gongs. One by one, they staggered to the podium, like footballers with groin strains.

The Free Spirit of the Year was Elaine Smith, whose claim to fame is as champion of women's right to breastfeed in public. Margo MacDonald was named Campaigner of the Year, among other things for proposing zones for prostitutes anywhere as long as it's nowhere near her own backyard. You may gauge the level of discourse at Holyrood by the fact that David McLetchie, arguably the most eloquent Hearts supporter ever, was named Debater of the Year.

The Jaffa cake was taken by Malcolm Chisholm, the health minister, who in a decision that called into question the sanity of the judges, was named Scottish Politician of the Year.

Unfortunately, this fell on the very day that we learned that hospital waiting lists are longer than ever. As he received his gong, I had a sudden attack of nausea and, rather than attempt to contact a doctor, turned over to Newsnicht, where, spookily, the self-same Mr Chisholm was being grilled by John Milne. Scotland's newly-anointed Politician of the Year had the grace to look like a ferret who'd poked his head out of his hole and found himself surrounded by a pack of rabid hounds.

The trouble with awards

THANK god for Tam Dalyell. Like me, he has a problem with awards for politicians. Indeed, when The Spectator chose him as Troublemaker of the Year in 1984, he declined either to go to the lunch or to accept the prize of a flagon of whisky. "I did not see that my opposition to Mrs Thatcher's war in the Falklands was troublemaking," he says.

When he related the story to the quarterly meeting of West Lothian Constituency Labour Party - "revealing with a flourish that I had declined a flagon of whisky" - the chairman observed that he thought he spoke for the meeting in suggesting that what Tam had really been was the Parliamentary Twit of the Year.

Be that as it may, the laird of The Binns is still pouring scorn over such awards, especially this year when Tony Blair, whose visits to Westminster are as rare as the Queen's, was named the Parliamentarian of the Year. "It seems to me," harrumphs Tam, "that Blair relies for advice on persons who have never actually been elected by anybody to anything."

New software for hardmen

AT last the world of cumputing is catering for Glaswegians, with a Weegie edition of Windows 2000 called Windies Twa Thoosan'.

The traditional start button has been replaced by "Goan Yersel' Bigman" and the recycle bin is called "Cludgie". The American "OK" has been deleted. Instead you click on "Aye aw right". As well as all the normal features, Weegie Windows offers a few new ones, including a "Jakey Alert" which comes with the warning: "Windies Twa Thoosan' has detected that you are too pissed to be using this masheen!"

Copies of the program are currently on sale at the Barras.

Methil no more for Prince William

THE Queen's Gallery, which opened in Edinburgh last Friday, with an exhibition of drawings by a rookie called Leonardo, has not gone down well in Methil.

According to Kevin Brown, who runs the Methil Heritage Centre, the opening of the new gallery means that his hopes of having Prince William on placement have been scuppered. The prince, as the Hootsmon never tires of telling us, has embarked on an art history degree at St Andrews, part of which can include a stint in a local museum.

Mr Brown was optimistic that he would come to Methil because of his grandfather's special links with the town. In the 1960s, apparently, Prince Philip met the then Provost of Methil and told him in his usual tactful manner that, during the war, when he was in the Royal Navy, he had visited Methil and thought it a bit of dump. He may even have described it as "rusting Methil".

The Provost was not amused. When the Methil centre opened seven years ago, the story was aired again by the local paper, prompting Phil to revisit. This time, however, he declared Methil "pure dead brilliant", or words to that effect. According to Mr Brown, HRH was particularly taken with a coal shovel on display at the centre. You can see, therefore, why Methil fully expected to welcome Prince William. Ach weel, there's always Prince Harry.

Time's Man of the Year is a woman?

FOR the past 70 or so years, Time magazine has named its man or woman of the year. In the 1990s recipients of this overrated award included Teflon Bill, Newt Gingrich, Pope John Paul II and someone who knows about microchips. Last year, Time wimped out. When many assumed that, for good or ill, the award was destined to go to Osama bin Laden (presumably in the expectation that he'd be daft enough to turn up to pick it up), it went to New York's then Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who, until September 11, couldn't have won an award for jaywalking. This year, Osama is back in the frame again, though he faces stiff competition from Dubya. Another possibility is a "generic terrorist" though "suicide bombers" seem to have no chance. Hence the rumours that the winner could be a neutral and a woman: JK Rowling.

Must be taking the metal mickey

ALTERNATIVELY, Time could choose Professor Rudolph Riemersma of Edinburgh University who says eating fish could be bad for you because of the mercury levels they contain. Having always believed the opposite, I am gutted. In particular, Prof Riemersma says we should eschew species such as shark and swordfish, which I don't think will be too much of a hardship. It reminds me, though, of the Glaswegian contestant on a quiz show who could double his money if he identified a fish beginning with the letter "S". After mulling it over, he eventually hazarded: "Single?"

Magnus faces upto sex change

FEARS continue to grow for the sanity of Magnus Linklater, whose midlife crisis is beginning to affect his work. Last week in his column in The Times he confessed to a desire to change his face. "I have always felt," he wrote in a fit of false modesty, "that behind my somewhat unsatisfactory, rounded face, with its incipient jowls and its bulbous nose, there lurks a better, more aquiline person " Offered the choice to swap his well-lived in face for another, Mr Linklater said he'd like to be a woman. Nor is he content to have any woman's face; he would like to have Lauren Bacall's no less.

The Times duly obliged, replacing his normal Pickwickian picture byline with one of the sultry actress, circa The Big Sleep. I trust this will now satisfy Mr Linklater's lust for cosmetic engineering. But what does not seem to have occurred to him to consider is how Bacall's youthful face may look atop his body. How far is he is really prepared to go to achieve perfection?

CONGRATULATIONS to the Big Yin on his 60th birthday. As a belated present, I am honoured to publish this picture which shows him with Brian Wilson, now energy minister, then prospective candidate for Ross and Cromarty. Billy is the one with the beard. "There seems to be an impression that everyone who is Scottish and in the public eye supports the SNP," quipped the comedian. "I've no time for them at all and I am happy to stand and be counted as a Labour supporter." Alas, his stirring words fell on deaf ears. Mr Wilson came third, behind the Tories and the SNP.

Copyright 2002 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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