Call me a TW1T

FOR not much more than the price of a decent lunch, paid in tenners on an Essex street corner, the runabout was not expected to be great car.

"Number plate's probably worf more than the motor to someone like Bob Marley, "said laughing boy as he counted the cash.

"Eh?"I said, trying to work out what the value of BMH 1T could be even to the kind of berks who like "cherished "registrations, let alone the late god of reggae.

"You know, BM, like Bob Marley, HIT. As in record. "

"Oh right, "I mumbled. "Or Bernard Manning. Or Benito Mussolini, if they ever issued greatest Fascist hits CD. "

For a few weeks, I ran around in the runaround, and finally, feeling completely foolish, rang a personalised number plate dealer, thinking he would laugh.

Far from it, a cheque for 400, some four times the car's value, turned up within a month. Some identity-challenged sad case must have handed over a grand or more to the dealer.

It's a frightening and shocking fact, reported today by the RAC Foundation, that there are now more than million personalised number plates on British roads. Put another way, one in 30 cars has a registration number, bought and fitted at great expense and effort, that is supposed to remind us of the driver's importance, wit and individuality.

What's remarkable about this statistic is the cringe-making lack of self awareness it betrays. Every normal person knows, for instance, that men who drive Porsches have extremely small penises; yet they valiantly continue to drive the things, often with personalised registration plates, and then even to imagine that women don't notice the vacant lot in their trousers. Same thing with bow ties.

Everyone knows that men who wear them re either terrifyingly Rightwing or frantic to establish an image of being interesting and a little eccentric.

And still they wear them.

A personalised number plate is the equivalent of driving a Porsche while wearing a bow tie and carrying in addition a large sign that says, "NONENTITY ".

Personalised number plate bearers fall into four categories.

The Cry For Help. These are the people who genuinely think we will be impressed by their initials appearing on their car. There is scope here for an entire psychological treatise. Imagine what it would be like to be of the state of mind where you believe that woman would be attracted by this. "I've got personalised registration plate in the car park, darling. "Cor.

The Tenuous Try-Hards. In this category come the registrations, extremely popular mong theatricals, that are supposed to convey a joke that's just not massively funny. Jimmy Tarbuck's COM 1C and Paul Daniels'MAG 1C come into this category. Also S1 SAO, which is reportedly on the Aston Martin belonging to Paul "Bonehead " Arthurs, the former Oasis bass player.

It is supposedly more effective when viewed through a rear-view mirror.

The Bin Ends. Ever wonder what people were thinking when they bought a number like XNY 1, or 65 DWL?Is it code for something? Or are they the cheap ones that get left over after the fat cats have had their pick ?" OK, so you don't have my initials. Do you have anything that looks like it could be somebody's initials, so long as their name is Xavier Zena?"

The Actually Quite Amusing. I saw a bloke driving round Trafalgar Square once in a white open-topped Rolls-Royce with the number PEN 15. If this was, indeed, self-deprecating joke s I

'I'm not a flashy person, but ... '

DEREK HATTON, former deputy leader of Liverpool Council: "I had DEG 5Y and I did a silly thing, I never registered it on a car, and after a while it just dies. I'd paid 40 for it. But then I picked up D6 GSY a couple of years ago for 1,000 and I think it looks more like Degsy than the first. I'm going to register it on a Cherokee Jeep."

NOEL SIMPSON from boy band Damage: "I've got a C70 Volvo, it's sexy, black, with tinted windows and the number plate is D8MGE. My mother found it for me and bought it. I'm not a flashy person, but having a nice car with a personalised number plate is all part and parcel of being a pop star."

MAX CLIFFORD, public relations consultant: "I've got a personalised number plate because I am a very flash individual. Well, the real reason is I didn't buy it - I was given it. It is V8 MCA for Max Clifford Associates - V8 is the model of the car. It is quite useful, it helps me remember what the car is."

Copyright 2001
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