Mature Bonds; True friends tend to grow more elusive as we reach

TERESA Radford is adamant about one thing: "If I had to rely on so- called friends to get me through bad times, I wouldn't have a cat in hell's chance." In the past eight years, the 39-year-old from Glasgow has recovered from a near-critical car crash and come out of three serious relationships.

She says she has done so with little more than superficial support from friends at best - and downright hostility at worst.

"I think, in some ways, divorce really puts you in your place," she says. "All the rumours are true - women I had known for years suddenly saw me as a threat; they thought I'd be running off with their men any second, despite the fact I was pretty much put off the species.

"Suddenly, there weren't so many invitations, answering machines were being left on, dropping in was a thing of the past. I thought it was a one-off, but I've actually found that, after the first flush of them getting some vicarious pleasure from my dramas, friendship doesn't actually mean that much."

The public relations work done on friendship rarely digs too deep. Recently, Jennifer Aniston has claimed she doesn't know how she will cope without her Friends friends, and that she'll never make such buddies again. Orlando Bloom has fretted over whether success will allow him to establish meaningful adult buddiness. But for those whose friendship logistics are untouched by such matters as contract finales and Oscar nominations, there can still be problems.

Most of us can still recall daily childhood negotiations whereby it was never really clear who was friends with whom. Friendships could rely on little more than who had the best playpiece to share. But, as adults, we are supposed to have moved on. Friendships may not be so easy to establish but, once they are in situ, they should last through all major crises. For women, the cliches are even more deeply ingrained: men will come and go, friends will always be there.

But will they?

"Not necessarily," says Edinburgh-based life coach, Angela Court. "Friendships can and do vary across an individual's life span, and we can all need different things at different times. It's obviously a generalisation, but we also have to consider the fact that men and women have different types of friendships. Men tend to have friends based on activities - men they watch football with, men who read the same books, listen to the same music, work or gather in the same place. Women's friendships often start out this way, but tend to be nurtured outwith the shared common experience.

"Children are really good at making friends. When you're little, the person sitting next to you is a potential friend. The other side is that friendships can be made and broken in an hour - or last a lifetime. But as we get older, we have more complex criteria for potential friendships. And, as we're not stuck in school or college for six hours a day with hundreds of possibilities, our friends- finding strategies have to change."

Barbara Clarke, a 42-year-old mother-of-two from Edinburgh, believes the age at which friendships are forged is a vital factor. "Friends I made in my 20s are still the ones who mean a lot," she explains. "I think that is often because that type of relationship is based on a real truthfulness and passion which is quite hard to follow. It may be based on communal living as students, shared ideals or political beliefs, but those pre-parenthood links with special people rarely match up to what you get later on. I have made a couple of good friends in the past few years, but I think those are the ones who would have fitted into that previous life too."

Clarke points out that changing circumstances as we get older can often mean friendships are based on false assumptions. "Once you have children, you're often in situations where you are playing a part. You meet others at playgroups, outside the school gates, at school events and you do establish relationships which will ensure your children are part of their community, or that will stop them being excluded. But you'd be very lucky to meet a soulmate that way.

"You are that child's mother, and interacting on that basis with the mothers of other children can often involve you keeping quiet about parts of you or your beliefs you think wouldn't fit in, or feigning interest that is functional rather than actual."

The past few years have shown Teresa Radford that the time may have come for her to become slightly choosier about the friends she surrounds herself with. "I wouldn't want to count up the hours I've spent listening to friends' worries only for them to tell me that I'm lucky, or that I always seem to cope. I feel that I almost need to start again, that there are only a couple of people I can rely on and get anything back from. But as a woman approaching 40, I do feel a bit pathetic. I don't really know how to go about it - I think it would be easier to find a man than a good woman friend who would support me even if there were parts of me she didn't like or aspects she perhaps felt threatened by."

It's a problem recognised by Court. "Clients often tell me that the main barrier to finding new friends is the belief that it's too late to create meaningful friendships once you're an adult. This, of course, is not the case, but the belief - or misbelief - itself is interesting.

"What adults have to bear in mind is that it is vitally important to apply yourself to the process if you're truly committed to finding new friends. One of the best ways of doing that is to go where there are people with common interests. That could be anywhere from a concert to a book group. I also tell my clients to join groups, to say 'yes' to social events - or, better still, organise some of their own - and to look around their workplace.

"Remember, you're not looking for a soulmate - friends can start out as simple acquaintances. One of my clients found her best friend through a colleague. The colleague brought his girlfriend to a Christmas party and she hit it off with her right away. Friends Reunited is often criticised, but it is a good place to meet up with old friends - getting in touch with people and having a laugh over old times is a great start for a new friendship."

But perhaps the best strategy of all is to rule nobody out. "Actually, it's only since talking about this that I've realised there are a few women I know whom I would like to establish friendships with," says Radford. "Maybe it's all about finding that child inside yourself again and not being afraid to go up and say that you want to be friends. Perhaps that's what lots of us are missing."

Copyright 2004 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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