After the war: an insiders look

Introduction

The memories that many people live with can lead to difficult and trying times. This holds especially true for combat veterans who have experienced life-changing events and who are ruing to cope with what they saw, felt and did during times of extreme stress.

Through the years, family, friends and veterans have tried to make sense of these experiences, even though their combat veteran never talks about what he or she experienced. They feel closed off from a part of the veteran's life and don't understand his/her struggles.

This short paper is an attempt to tell a portion of veterans' stories from their perspective. I do not intend to give a list of symptoms or to describe particular combat experiences, but do want to give the general content of the spiritual struggles with which many veterans deal.

The perspective from which I write could raise some strong emotions in combat veterans. So, I encourage those who have been traumatized to read this piece with some level of caution.

I hope that this article will help three groups of people: (1) The family members who seek to understand the emotional and spiritual pain that their loved one endures; (2) The veteran who needs help at putting into words what he or she feels; and (3) Faith communities that seek to provide supportive spiritual care.

It is important that this paper be read with a focus to understand and not an attempt to fix. The ability to be open and non-judgmental is essential to comprehending the problems so many go through. This paper does not reflect all combat veterans' struggles with war, but does reflect some common emotional and spiritual themes with which a large number of combatants struggle. It is also important that we not impose our idea of wellness on someone who has been traumatized. What veterans need most is support and understanding.

The Story Begins

There are some things in life that no human should ever experience. Each of us grows up with rules and ethical principles that we believe we should never violate, and we base many of our actions on those principles.

When we enter a combat zone we feel a change sweep over us. For some of us, it feels like a wave of desperation that carries us across a bridge from where there is no return. We come to realize that our ethical underpinnings can hinder our survival and we contemplate the possibility of doing the unimaginable. So, for a short time we do not allow ourselves to compare our actions to our standards of right and wrong. For the first time in our lives we come to realize that we are capable of doing anything to survive. This struggle for survival becomes so intense and life changing that it exacts a great toll on our spirit.

When we return from combat we try to hide our wounded spirit. We are confused and hurt, which inhibits our ability to tell others what we have learned about the world and ourselves. We are no longer among the ranks of the naive--and it troubles us deeply. Somehow we see the naive as a blessed people, and we see ourselves as being cursed with enlightenment. It confuses us that the naive can be so cavalier when they say that they understand, because we know that no one should understand our secret.

It does not take us very long to realize that our knowledge and understanding are at a deep and painful level. Somehow we know that the depth and intimate level of our knowledge eclipses what humankind was ever meant to know. We have encountered evil, and the evil is personal--for it was all around us, and may even reside in us.

We feel alone in a world filled with people. It is only for brief periods that we feel we have something in common with others. We don't feel it when we are with the naive. We only feel it when we are able to share our space with another soul/comrade who is troubled and enlightened in the same way we are. We may not discuss the traumatic memories with our comrades, but just knowing that there is someone else in the world who has the same terrible secret is enough to give us a temporary sense of companionship with another living soul. It lifts some of the weight from our soul to know that there is someone else who understands and does not condemn us.

At first we thought we could manage without help. We denied that anything was wrong with us. We thought that we were strong enough to handle the terrible secrets we learned. We didn't realize that the memories would come back and haunt us in ways that we could not understand.

When we got angry we always thought we had a good reason. We could not see in ourselves what others saw. We didn't understand that our anger was often over minor things and was out of proportion to the situation. The anger inside of us swells whenever we think about our combat experiences. When we think about how our joy and innocence were taken from us we become angry.

Our anger also poisons our relationships with those we love. We don't feel close to them because we know that there is no way for them to understand the secret we carry. They don't understand the evil we are capable of-and they shouldn't understand. We don't have the words to express how we feel anyway.

There are times when we need our loved ones to remind us that things are going to be all right. But instead of accepting a hug from those we love, we push them away when we need them the most. Our mixed messages are confusing to them. It's just that we don't have the words to express what we feel and we don't like to admit that we are weak. It must be frustrating for them. However, we really do need their love and need them to keep trying to understand us. We are scared they may just get tired and leave. We wish we didn't lash out at them.

This terrible secret we carry with us somehow changes the way we see the entire world. Our world has become one that is not to be taken in a cavalier way. It is a world that has a more serious side. It is a world that is filled with danger. A world where evil has become personal and intimate. The guilt and shame that many of us feel stick in the throat and choke the joy out of life. Some say there is forgiveness, but why do so many of us not feel forgiven? After all, most of us have prayed a thousand times for forgiveness, but the peace of forgiveness never lingers very long.

We miss the way we used to be. We mourn the tragedies of the innocent that we witnessed. We cry and repeat over and over and over again how sorry we are for sabotaging things with those we love. We would like to repair those things that are broken, but don't know if we can ever live up to others' expectations again. We feel broken and want so desperately to feel whole again. We wonder if we will ever be complete again.

It is so hard for us to find those who can accept us for who we have become. After a while we learn that we don't really need someone to understand to the same degree we understand. We just need an empathetic ear and someone to encourage us to keep trying. This person is hard to find, even among those whose job it is to help. We can only hope that after a while we find someone we can open up to and trust with most of our struggles and secrets.

Our faith has changed as well. Many of us who felt God's closeness in combat no longer feel that vibrant spirit. We still believe, but something has happened to us. Our questions have changed in some way and are more personal. The answers no longer roll off our tongues as if reading from a Sunday school lesson or a catechism primer. For us there are no questions that are off limits and we are no longer able to hide our struggles as we were before. So we keep asking those forbidden questions, the answers to which are not so forthcoming. We wish we didn't have these questions and wish our faith were as simple as before.

We know that God was with us when we were trying to survive, but we wonder why God feels distant now. Perhaps it is because we feel distant from everyone and God gets lumped together with the rest. We know that God understands the panic that seized our heart and mind, and we ask why God doesn't take away those things that linger. There are many who seem to expect an almost magical kind of healing to take place in us, but the healing we are experiencing defies their understanding. It is not a healing where things are restored to where they were before. It is a healing that helps us to understand and accept how we have changed. It is a healing that helps us to understand the burden we carry. It is a healing that helps us believe that some meaning can come from our experiences.

There are others of us who didn't feel close to God until we went to war. We underwent quite a transformation. We believe strongly that God protected us and delivered us from harm while we were in combat. God's intervention is the only explanation that can account for our return--however, we don't know why we can't feel as close to God as we would like.

We used to think that God had an elaborate plan for even the tiniest of creatures. Now we wonder how much of the world God really controls. Some of us wonder if God is really present in the world anymore. One thing is for sure: We don't understand why it seems that some of the best were killed while we were left to suffer in misery. Some of us don't understand how God could have been on our side when we felt overcome by the evil that was around us.

Our faith community doesn't understand why we don't join in like everyone else. We know that people notice that we are not like everyone else, but we don't know how to tell them what is going on with us. Even if we tell them what is wrong, we are not sure they will understand. It is much safer to sit back and observe. We are not really satisfied with how we are, but we don't know how to change. We learn that we must trust what we know instead of what we feel because so often our feelings just can't be trusted.

It wasn't until we couldn't manage our lives anymore that we got the help we needed for our troubled souls. There was so much chaos around us and inside of us that we became desperate to get some relief. The desperation we felt finally helped us overcome our embarrassment that prevented us from getting help earlier. Sadly, we had waited too long to repair some of the damage we had done. We still don't understand why we have these problems when they claim that most of the other combatants don't suffer in the same way we suffer. We figure that we should be among those who don't struggle. Perhaps there are many others who struggle like us but they are able to hide it better somehow.

We ask ourselves why we can't be stronger. We know that being sensitive to our environment helped us survive but we figure that being sensitive is a negative thing now. The world, however, needs sensitive people. After all, we feel the insensitivity of people every time we hear the insults they level at us or the expectations they have that we can't meet.

The naive criticize us for our angry outbursts. They seem to think that we like to get angry. They don't understand that anger makes it harder to sleep, increases our depression, and hinders our ability to relax and find peace. The naive don't understand that the slightest criticism or rejection cuts like a thousand blades. They don't understand how a single word can prompt us to act in ways we later regret. When they criticize us we end up condemning ourselves even more and feel weak because we struggle. We condemn ourselves for some of the things we did and saw while we were in combat. We condemn ourselves for thousands of things that have gone wrong over the years.

Some of the naive confuse us when they say that we may have been chosen to have these difficulties. When we first heard that, we didn't know how to respond. We didn't want to be chosen for suffering. If being chosen means that we are special, then why do we feel so cursed and alone? We are embarrassed to admit that combat affected us so profoundly because we thought that if we made it back in one piece we would be OK. Now we are confronted with the truth and are no longer able to avoid it. We arc not OK and everyone seems to notice our difficulties before we do.

When we first sought help, our life seemed to be in such a downward spiral there was no way to stop until we ended, broken in a thousand pieces. It seemed that we went for weeks without sleep. We felt on edge and couldn't stop moving no matter how tired we were. We want desperately to regain the peace of mind we once had, but now find ourselves helpless and powerless to regain what was lost so long ago. The peace of mind we seek is a daily struggle that seems to be just out of our reach.

They say that our experiences can have such a powerful effect on our bodies that they can even cause some changes in our brain. This depresses us even more. We still don't understand why we feel so tense all the time and it puzzles us that we can't manage our everyday experiences. When they said that our experiences could have increased the amount of adrenaline our body produces, we started to understand a little more. Our body must have forgotten to turn it off.

We startle easily because we are ready to jump into action when something unexpected happens. We are on edge all the time just in case danger comes around the corner. Sometimes we don't even notice ourselves watching everything around us until we can't stand another minute of stimulation and have to retreat into solitude. It helped us in combat but it seems to work against us now that we've returned. We are never completely at case anymore and it takes only a tiny spark to reignite the fire inside us. We become irritable and quick to react any time we feel attacked or helpless. We can't even stop ourselves when the perceived attack comes from those we love.

We have so many problems that it becomes difficult to name them all. On top of everything else, many of us have difficulty with drugs and alcohol. For some of us it started before we went to war and increased when we came back. For others, it started when we came back and only tapers off for short periods. It may have started as fun but it's not fun anymore. No one understands the kind of things we are hiding and no one understands what we get out of using.

It is easier to use than to live with the sleepless nights and endless days of haunting thoughts and memories. It is easier to use than trying to manage the emptiness and loneliness we feel. It is easier to use than to feel the constant tension in our body, where we can never completely let our guard down. We don't enjoy using but it seems at times that using is the only answer that gives us even the slightest relief. Soon we are labeled addicts. In our recovery groups, however, our memories don't seem to have much in common with the others. We don't mean to say that the recovery groups don't help. They do. It's just that we don't seem to completely fit in anywhere.

In recovery they strongly emphasize having a spiritual awakening. Perhaps if we can just get this spiritual awakening, our problems will be solved. But because this seems to be out of our reach, it becomes another thing that leaves us depressed. We are afraid to let our guard down enough to allow even good feeling to appear because we know that the hurt returns all too quickly.

Some things help

We begin to find a few things that help our lives become more manageable. First we must find someone who will prescribe something so that we can get some sleep. We don't know how long we can manage on the little bit of sleep we get. Without sleep all of our problems and difficulties spiral out of control.

We also need to find a way to limit the stress and chaos in our lives because our experiences have made us more vulnerable to their effects. One of the ways we limit stress is to find a peaceful and quiet place where we can retreat to recover and find some stability. You see, when there is a lot happening around us our strength is exhausted by trying to keep up.

We need to learn self-acceptance. We must stop condemning ourselves and accept the changes that have happened to us. We must also define what wellness means to us and not accept views of wellness that are demeaning. The positive regard of those we care about is extremely important. If we are able to feel the warmth of a relationship we do much better. Otherwise, the world becomes a very lonely place.

We must find someone who can help us work through our nagging questions. This is not as easy as it seems, for this person must be able to accept our unconventional questions and help us explore alternative ways of answering these questions. Conventional or "pat" answers don't work for us and we need to have the freedom to explore explanations that are not often discussed. And finally, developing a positive understanding of spirituality that affirms the principles of God's loving kindness, grace, acceptance and forgiveness is essential to our ability to cope with daily life.

I hope this paper has been helpful. I wish God's blessing on all combat veterans as they piece their lives back together. May God bless all of our loved ones in their quest to understand and support their veterans. May God bless the faith communities as they seek to provide ministry to those in their care. Lastly, may God bless America, the country that we still love so much. We pray that our nation will continue to provide the highest level of care possible for those who have born the battle.

CHAPLAIN RICHARD DAVIS

Chaplain Davis works with veterans at the Augusta Ga., Veterans Affairs Medical Center.

COPYRIGHT 2005 Reserve Officers Association of the United States
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group